I Am Officially Announcing That Everything Has Been Matt Nagy's Fault This Whole Time. Literally Everything.
Rumors are floating and I hope somebody's out there evaluating the veracity and sources behind them. I won't fan flames but simply just acknowledge that Matt Nagy is supposed to be gone the next couple days. Good great grand wonderful. We'll talk about this on Red Line today for sure and I'll circle back when that's done. I love a light circle back before Thanksgiving.
For now though I just want to be clear that it's okay to blame literally anything you want on Matt Nagy.
The Illini and Bulls losing by a combined 52? That's on Nagy.
The Bears being a dumpster fire laugh factory? Obviously Nagy.
Mitch?
Nagy.
The list goes on but this isn't really about sports. I'm talking everything in life. I had a bad piece of pork sausage the other day and I'm chalking it up to Nagy. My local bakery was out of the buttercrust loaf this morning and there's nobody to blame but Nagy. Temperatures are rapidly dropping to the mid-20's while the price of dairy remains inflated.
Global warming. OPEC corruption. Stock price manipulation. Ken Griffin & COVID. I'm blaming everything and anything on Matt Nagy and it feels good.
Ultimately that's what I'm thankful for right now. A good old fashioned scapegoat. When things aren't going exactly the way you want in life there's really no better substitute than blaming someone else. The more conviction you have the better this goes. If you're truthfully honestly sincerely willing to sit here and blame a bunch of shit on Matt Nagy with me then I promise you that life will be better tomorrow. It's all his fault. He's been bringing our vibes down for too long and it's about time George "Big Swinging Dick At The Cracker Factory" McCaskey does something about it.
Meantime here's an unofficial list of all the things Nagy's ruined the last several years
- Union relations with local law enforcement
- Daylight savings time
- Bus fare has been increased to $2.25
- Property taxes. All of them.
- Gerrymandering (no clue if this is true but complaining about gerrymandering always moves the needle)
- The personal pride of hundreds of thousands of men and women
- Visors
- Media relations
- Pep talks
- No Miller Lite at Wrigley Field
- Not enough DIVY stations in strategic areas
- Golden Tee availability, generally
- Suarez Canal blockage
- Timber shortage
- Christmas music started way too early this year
- Not enough people are subscribed to Barstool Chicago Youtube