The Time I got Shitfaced Before Noon and Missed Christmas...

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When I first started dating my wife Susan, I was invited to spend Christmas with her family. There was a long-standing tradition. Drive into Boston, visit her grandmother in a nursing home, and then head to the Tahiti Chinese Restaurant in Dedham for an incredible meal, which always began with a delicious Pu-Pu Platter.

Our second Christmas together (1978) was going to be the same; head into Boston, visit Grandma, and then go to the Tahiti. When we got hit with a foot and a half of fresh snow on Christmas Eve, my best friend and boss Steve called me at 4:00 a.m. and told me to get to his house by 5:00, we had a lot of plowing to do. 

Steve drove the plow and when we got to a house I jumped out and shoveled the walks and cleaned up the driveway after he was done. Steve had a lot of customers and the last house we went to was "Cadillac Frank" Salemme's. Frankie Jr., his oldest son, hired Steve to do snow removal. We all graduated high school together in 1974.

Frankie was a real prankster in high school. One time he knocked on the door of the class I was in and reading from a small scrap of paper, he told my teacher that Mr. Blanchon (Vice Principal) wanted to see me at once. I was immediately concerned that I might be in some kind of trouble, but I wondered why he sent of all people, Frankie, to take me out of class. 

Once I was out in the hallway and the door to the classroom was shut, I looked at Frankie and said, "What the fuck!" 

Frankie said, "Don't sweat it Vin, we're just meeting Ellie and Bobo for a smoke". 

"So, Blanchon doesn't want to see me?" 

"No! Just getting you out of class so we can all have a smoke together!" 

Then he let loose with his signature laugh. That's who Frankie Jr. was, he did shit like that all the time.

When we arrived at the house at 9:30, Frankie came out with another friend of ours, Eddie, and told Steve and me to come in for drinks when we were done. After we finished, we were both exhausted, but we figured, "Eh, it's Christmas Day; one drink with friends couldn't hurt"… I reminded Steve I had to get home so I could "shit, shower, and shave" and get over to my girlfriend's house for Christmas.

Here's the crew the night of my Bachelor Party (1979). The admiral is playing the ukelele. I'm on his immediate left, and Steve (aka Pokey) is on my left next to Danny. Frankie is on the Admiral's immediate right next to Peter. Front row L-R, Bobby, my cousin Mark, and Hap. Top row L-R, Bobo, and J.K. This picture was taken shortly after we had a brawl with the staff at Thackeray's…

Frankie knew I liked Drambuie, a sweet liqueur made from Scotch whisky, heather honey, herbs, and spices. He had seen me line up flaming shots at our favorite watering hole, Thackeray's in Walpole, and chase 'em with a cold Heineken. When we walked through the garage and into the basement, Frankie had an unopened bar bottle of Drambuie and a couple of cold Heinekens ready…

It started slow, and once we got going, we started drinking like there was no tomorrow. I made it a point to tell Frankie about the tradition and that I had to leave by 11:30. He barely acknowledged what I said, and he started pouring shots even faster. He and Eddie weren't doing any shots, just Steve and me. 

After an hour or so, Steve and I were shitfaced, and Frankie was enjoying every minute of it. When I saw it was getting late I told Frankie I had to leave real soon. He answered by pouring Steve and me another shot… Susan was backdoor neighbors with the Salemme's, you could see her house through the woods. I was less than 75 yards away… 

Just as Steve and I were getting ready to leave, I realized how drunk I was. My face was numb, my speech was slurred, and so I called Susan to tell her I wouldn't be going to visit Grandma… By then my speech wasn't too unlike someone who just had Novocain at a dentist's office and had a mouth full of gauze. I could barely speak and if Susan's parents ever had a reason to prevent their daughter from seeing me again, this was it. Who starts drinking at 10:00 a.m. on Christmas Day and misses a family gathering? Susan was pissed!

Frankie seemed to take great pleasure in seeing me make the call, but once it was made, me and Steve took control of the Drambuie and we drank until we were stupid…

I asked Steve if he could still drive the truck and he said he was okay. His house was only a mile away, what could possibly go wrong?

On the way home, Steve was all over the road and just as he turned onto his street, the tip of his plow blade kissed the fender of his neighbor's car that was parked in the street. Steve didn't stop, we went right to his house. His mother was home and she was very familiar with the two of us coming home drunk and crashing on her living room floor, which is exactly what we did. We did face plants onto the carpeted living room floor and slept through Christmas Day…

I didn't have an epiphany that day like George Bailey had in "It's a Wonderful Life", but I never missed another Christmas with Susan and her family. Looking back, I acted irresponsibly. I got shitfaced when I knew I had to be somewhere with my girlfriend and her family on Christmas Day. If I had a chance to change what happened would I? No! I was young and it was a time in my life when acting irresponsibly was expected behavior and I certainly didn't disappoint. Getting drunk at Frankie's house on Christmas Day is a great memory, one I'll always cherish. 

R.I.P. Frankie (1957-1995)

Merry Christmas!