The New York Giants Have Officially Hired Joe Schoen To Be Their Next GM/Savior

Look at the Giants going out and making a move that has a 100% approval by their fans everywhere I look. It truly is a new day! And the craziest part is I feel like everyone would be happy if they had hired Ryan Poles or Adam Peters. This is usually the part of the blog where I'd put in the gif of John Mara throwing a chair but this news calls for the polar opposite of that. 

HIT IT!!!

For those that haven't been paying attention to the unlimited reports and tweets about Joe Schoen, Brandon Beane brought him to Buffalo as his right hand man in 2017 to help turn around the Bills, who are in the playoffs for the fourth time in five years during that time span. He also has said he worked with the analytics department, the personnel department, and the communications department, which is a marked upgrade from a guy who called his new analytics department Computah Folks which allowed Football Nerds to wage war on the Giants.

I don't usually throw around the G word, but I GUARANTEE Joe Schoen will be a better general manager for the New York Football Giants than Dave Gettleman was. Now let's never mention the G name again since this is the guy who is now our GM and we are never looking back

Schoen is also responsible for all the good players on the Bills roster, responsible for none of the bad players, banged on the table for the team to draft Josh Allen, and was a key part of the Stefon Diggs trade but also said he would draft Justin Jefferson if he were still on the board with the pick they ended up trading for Diggs. Okay, I made up this entire paragraph, but I'm sure Schoen played a big role in the Bills becoming the class of the AFC East with a mobile QB who got a lot of unnecessary hate (remind you of anyone?). Joe is is also indisputably handsome, which handsome people tell me does indeed help when it comes to the negotiating process with free agents.

AP. Shutterstock Images.

I will pistol whip anybody who Pretty Joe Shoen to Brodie Van Wagenen, even if his last name is pronounced Shane despite being spelled like Showen, which makes him feel extra fancy like a dude named Brodie with three names

Almost as important as all that, Schoen is not another long time member of the Giants front office bumped up the ladder into the GM chair. He is an outsider with what I imagine are differing views on how to build a team from the Giants Way so we can maybe have halftime ceremonies celebrating a Giants team after 2011. Speaking of which, Schoen will reportedly have control on how to gut reshape the franchise to look like something that operates like one in the 21st century.

If the Giants can feel even the slightest pulse of their fanbase, they will livestream Schoen carte blancehing the fuck out of the front office like Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator on Giants.com.

In case your dad needs to be convinced this is a good hire, just tell him Bill Parcells hired Schoen as a scout and everything will be gravy.

As for coaches, it looks like the Giants are looking for a defensive minded head coach or Joe's Buffalo buddy Brian Daboll.

Obviously we'll see how all that shakes out but it feels like a new day Giants fans. So get excited, dream about your team playing on Divisional Weekend once again, and everyone get on board the wagon pulling into the MetLife Stadium stop!