A 13 Year Old By The Name of Doodoo Biscuittt Took Jose Bautista's Soul Over The Weekend

I've heard murmurs around the league that the reason the players and owners are in such a standstill over the new CBA is to figure out how to handle Doodoo Biscuittt's entry into pro ball. He's going to cause league-wide tanking if the current system stays in place. Talks of adding a lottery at the top of the draft are solely based on Doodoo and Gavin Weir's impending arrival. You remember Gavin right? 

A 1-2 punch of Doodoo and Gavin eviscerates any lineup standing in their path. You fake an injury or sickness the night they're on the bump to save your batting average. I've made many mistakes in my life, but I sure as hell know you don't mess with a person named Doodoo. He sounds exactly like a guy who pitched 100 years ago and had a start where he last 24 innings to get the W and then immediately got drafted into the army where he fought overseas for five years.

In all seriousness, if I'm Jose Bautista I certainly never pick up a bat again after this showing. At some point you get to an age where you have to stop playing sports for your own sanity. Dave got there after his 1v1 with Dallas Braden, but came out retirement for the Magic game and you saw how that unfolded. Jose Bautista has also reached that moment in his life. You'll always have this homer...

But that version of you is long, lone gone. Don't make the same mistake Dave did, Jose. Hang em' up, live out the rest of your time watching your highlights on the Jays, and following every single person on Twitter.