Uncle Stevie Has Arrived At The Mets Spring Training Facility And He Does Not Give A FUCK About The New Cohen Tax Designed To Punish His Spending
Full Media Scrum For Mets Fans That Want That Hit Of Dopamine Uncut To The Gut:
The Golden Eagle has landed! I repeat, The Golden Eagle has landed! And just like that, I am officially ready for Opening Day. Save me the split squad games full of fringe players with uniform numbers that match the high temperatures for St. Lucie this time of year and the constant fear of someone straining an oblique that will linger for month. All I needed to see was Uncle Stevie at Spring Training say he doesn't give a fuck about the Cohen Tax the MLB owners who don't care about winning designed to stop the big bad Mets from spending on players like Portnoy spends on people that go viral on social media to feel good about the 2022 Mets.
In fact, all this offseason has done is hammer home just how stupid us Mets fans were for getting our hopes up in the past as the broke ass Wilpons sold us on flawed teams that had a washed up Adrian Gonzalez playing first, a trash version of Jose Reyes manning the hot corner, or some injured player returning in August as our "big addition" at the trade deadline. The New York Mets are officially a big fish in a big market with a big swinging dick in charge, who is 10000000% going to blow past the tax named after him. I am so fucking happy other than decades of pain causing me to expect everything to fall apart in classic Mets fashion. But it's positive vibes only now that Steve Cohen is at the top of the org chart, just like we've said on We Gotta Believe since Day 1 of the Uncle Stevie Era.
Listen to our savior!
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Also, Uncle Stevie could not be more correct on his take about having a bridge named after you. Lump in roads and airports as well. Because for all the love that George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy get, you will not find three things New Yorkers bitch about more than the GWB, the FDR, and JFK Airport. Throw the Lincoln Tunnel in there too which clearly tarnishes Honest Abe's name.
I stand by my take that corporations that owe money to the city should be forced to pay for naming rights to the bridges, tunnels, etc. every 5 or 10 years so they get cursed out instead of some of the great leaders of our country. Save those names for parks or museums or some other shit. And if Steve Cohen does lead the Mets to the promised land once if not multiple times, just rename Flushing if not the entire borough of Queens after him. #InCohenWeTrust