Congratulations are in Order for American Males Cracking the Top 60 of Penis Sizes Worldwide

Biserka Stojanovic. Getty Images.

Speaking as someone who grew up in the tall, dark, cold shadow of The Greatest Generation, I think I can speak for all of us when I say none of have felt like we're the men our forefathers were. Our ancestors who braved dangerous ocean voyages to get here and breathe free. Who carved civilization out of a vast wilderness. Who made discoveries, great inventions, learned to fly, and then flew to the moon all in the blink of an evolutionary eye. I'm talking about men like my father and his brothers, who saved the world from tyranny at an age where men of my generation were inventing ComiCons and men of yours were teaching themselves to dance on TikTok. 

The point being that they left us a lot to live up to. And the idea that perhaps we are half the men they were might be more than just an impression. It might have just been proven by science:

Source - American men’s penises are only the 59th biggest in the world, a study reveals.

The average length [is] 5.35 inches. 

The poll, of 86 nations, revealed that French men’s genitals are 6.20 inches in length, while Australia ranks 43rd at 5.69.

Men in Haiti have an average penis size of 6.30 inches when erect, according to the data.

Ecuadorian men apparently have the biggest penises, at an average of 6.95 inches, while the smallest can be found in Cambodia at just 3.95 inches long when erect.

Men in the US narrowly beat those in the UK as the average size recorded was 5.17 inches.

Online pharmacy From Mars analyzed Google data from 86 countries to come up with the findings.

Pharmacist and spokesman Navin Khosla said: “Most men have wondered at some time or other if their penis is big enough.

“Penis size can have a massive impact on confidence and self-image.”

Dammit all. We've got to own this. The science is settled. I don't know about much about world geography beyond what I learn from Jeopardy!, the Olympics and the Miss World pageant. But there has to be 200 or so countries in the world. And the fact we've just squeaked into the Top 60 is something we can't run from. We've just got to live with it. We simply cannot compete with the Brits, the Aussies, the French, the Haitians, or those magnificent specimens from the only nation that gets its name from its latitude (thanks, Jeopardy!), Equador. And as someone who is not only bringing the national average down, but whose entire ancestry likely brought it down significantly when we flooded the place in the 1800s, I feel a little guilty. 

But then again, I think this explains a lot of what I mentioned right off the top. If we had the impressive, swinging dongs of these other nationalities, do we honestly think we'd have done all those other world changing things? I mean, who wants to change a world when you've got a penis that is the envy of the world? Why leave your homeland, become a pioneer, spend your life inventing things, exploring space and winning wars, when all you need for self-fulfillment is to unzip? Why risk your life on all these adventures when happiness is just a drop of the pants/hike of the kilt away? When you've got nothing to prove, you'll prove nothing. Which is why America has always been a magnet for the men with the big dreams and the micropenises. Because we're the mutts of the world.

So don't shy away from this, my fellow small donged Americans. Embrace it. Our literal shortcoming is what makes us great. Have all the 7-inch wangs you want, Ecuadoreans. We've got a Mars colony to build. At least there we'll know we have the biggest johnsons on that world, the way our predecessors did.