Breaking Down Aston Villa's Leaked Team Rules - Including Being Fined For Not Bringing In Cakes On A Birthday
Alright, let's get right to it. This is apparently a leaked fine sheet from last season for Aston Villa - before Steven Gerrard took over. There's a lot going on but I love seeing these. They always have something crazy. Earlier this month we had the 5 team rules for Manchester United:
No-brainers that every team has
Late for training
Forgetting GPS for training
Late on out team pitch
Late for meeting
Wrong attire for match day
Not reporting to the doctor on time
All of these make sense. I would bet every team has some sort of fine for this shit. It's basically, hey, don't be a complete jackass and just show up on time and wear what we all do. The GPS took me a second but then I realized it's what the players wear to track a bunch of their stats. Would be way funnier if it was an actual GPS like TomTom. Remember that shit? Big time advancement from MapQuest but that thing talking to you every 500 feet wanted me to drive right into a lake.
Don't be a slob rules
Leaving plates, cups at dinner table
Leaving kit on training pitch
I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that we have the same rules for me 2-year old son as Aston Villa does for its millionaire players. That or when the Yankees fans trashed our HQ:
I stand by this rule. It's so easy to just throw shit away. There's nothing that pisses me off than seeing I have to load dishes in the dishwasher or a cup left out on the table. Walk the extra 10 steps. In fact I'd up the fine for leaving shit out on the tables. Make it 1,000 pounds an item. As for the kit? You don't need to blast some bare chest, fellas. Wait until the locker room. Good rules here.
Asshole rule
Illegal parking (at football or outside football)
Not entirely sure what outside football means. Do you get fined if you get a parking ticket somewhere? Use Uber. Another rule that's hard to argue with. Basically it should be based on talent. Like when you park at a golf course and see member champ gets the prime spot and so on down the line. That's how it is here. Fine should be doubled if you're over the line or crooked. Learn to park dick.
Rich person rule
Late for commercial
Oh boo-hoo you're getting paid to be on TV.
The best rule
Forgetting cakes on birthday
Fuck yes! Now I need to know more about this. Does every single person have to bring in a cake for someone's birthday? That would be awesome. I personally prefer ice cream cake - mostly because I have a summer birthday and always had it. Plus ice cream is awesome. Overall I don't care too much about cake. Way better treats out there. I also really like how it's per day. So if you forget a Monday birthday you could get fined every day all week? That'll teach them.
The freshman in high school rule
Fine for NOT wearing flip flops in the shower
I understand you're trying to avoid a slip in the shower in the locker room. But this screams freshman year of high school and you're a little nervous to have to get naked to shower after gym class so you go boxers in there. Guys being dudes right there. Wearing flip flops in the shower is the worst. I remember trying to do that ONCE when I first started college because I didn't know who was peeing in that shower before me. They get all soggy and impossible to wear.
This isn't a frat house rule
Leaving snus out
I assume this should read 'leaving spitters out.' That's the real rule. No one gives a fuck about seeing snus, dip, chew, whatever. It's the spitter sitting out that grosses people out. It smells funky. It just sits there staring at you if you're in the same room. Throw that shit in the trash.
Hilarious, we need more of
If sent off, have to take team out for a meal within 4 weeks
Worst player during small-sided games (voted on by winning team) wears 'I was the worst trainer' jumper for a week
Good old fashioned ball busting here. You get a red card? Take us out to dinner. That just makes you feel like a dick for being sent off. Wonder if there's a limit on how much you have to spend or who picks where you go to dinner. The jumper though? I'd love to bring that around the office - not just our office, every office. Worst accountant in March. Lowest sales for the week.
I need every Premier League team to have their rules leaked. I can't get enough of them.