BREAKING: The Girl Scouts Have Announced A New Cookie Set To Debut In 2023
Introducing the new Girl Scout Cookie®, Raspberry Rally! This thin, crispy cookie infused with raspberry flavor and dipped in chocolaty coating* is sure to become a new favorite—some may even say it’s the sister cookie to the beloved Thin Mints®! Raspberry Rally is an online-exclusive cookie that can only be purchased online and shipped directly to your home. Be sure to find a Girl Scout you know to place your order.
I'm going to put on a wig and give my live reaction to this news.
First things first, I've never been a huge raspberry guy. I feel like blue razz candy back in the 90s sold like crazy because kids were just trying to be cool buying a flavor with a wacky color and two z's in its name, which to be fair was pretty much all you needed to be cool in the 90s. God I miss that ridiculous decade as much as I loved talking about it with Robbie and his brother.
Nice plug, Clem!
I also think that strawberries are by farrrr the king of the berries (namely Driscoll's which run laps around the competition), blueberries are a clear silver medalist, and raspberries clutch the bronze despite having that pretentious P in their name. You're not fooling anybody, raspberry. You're the third banana of the berry family at best and one TikTok challenge away from being passed by the blackberry or even berries found in the woods that can kill you if you eat them since I'm sure TikTok'ers are gonna do that shit sooner or later. Get off your high horse, rasberry. Yeah I called you by your birth name, not your current fancy name you probably picked up after studying a semester abroad in France. Dick.
THAT BEING SAID, raspberry isn't bad when it comes to baked goods. I don't think there are going to be many kids looking to try some raspberry Girl Scout Cookies because fruit means healthy to kids and they'd rather eat poison than eat something healthy, which is why so many raspberry jelly cookies go uneaten at holiday parties. Luckily kids don't buy Girl Scout Cookies because they are poor people that leech on their parents for their entire childhood. Parents buy Girl Scout Cookies because they have money along with the good memories of eating cookies that would always arrive out of the blue months after they ordered them.
If I was in charge of marketing Girl Scout Cookies, which I probably should be considering I am called the Snack God at a rising media company and have been moving boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in the 2020s like Scarface moved coke in the 80s.
Where was I before that self fluffing? Oh yeah, marketing, which just so happened to be my major at Siena which led me to a life of smut blogging. Anyway, I would really talk up the Raspbery Rally being a sister cookie of the Thin Mint. It feels like you are keeping everything in the Girl Scout family and there's a reason Thin Mints have been sold since I was a pup a lifetime ago. It's because they move units, even though simpleminded people think mint shouldn't be in desserts but that's another blog for another time.
I think the name could also use a hand since Raspberry Rally feels like something I'd either read on Urban Dictionary that would make me sick even thinking about existing in the real world or some sort of meet up on a 4chan board. I love that the cookie is an online exclusive because it allows cookie barrens like me with a Twitter account and a following to act like Funk Flex dropping an exclusive on the internet streets. This reference is way too dated but I don't know what would even be the 2022 version of that.
In the end though the only thing that matters is how good these cookies taste, which as we learned with the Girl Scout's last cookie, you should never judge a book by it's cover.
h/t Bo