Some Poor Bastard Got Completely Messed Up By A Pack Of Angry Turkeys

(SOURCE)

A Shuswap man was seriously injured after being attacked by a rooster and turkeys.

Chase RCMP was asked to check on the well-being of someone at a home in Celista. Upon arrival, they found a man who had been attacked by some angry birds. The man had already received medical attention.

His injuries included two broken hips, a broken finger and multiple lacerations.

I say this not because I think this guy is a huge pussy - though I absolutely think that - but because I'm still not sure if Sydnie Wells is fucking with Chief and I about the savagery that is your standard turkey.

Last winter and into last spring, Chief and I told Sydnie she has to take us turkey hunting. Yes, I said told her. She didn't have a choice. It's our content vertical, NOT hers. Anyways, she was receptive to the idea because she loves taking new or novice hunters out into the wild. In all seriousness, her genuine excitement for not just the sport itself, but for putting eyeballs on it is the only reason I've ever picked it up in the first place. It piqued my interest not just from a content perspective, but a hobby I'd like to take part in for life.

So we're going back and forth in the weeks prior to the hunt going over details. What we'll use to hunt, where we'd be hunting, who we'd be hunting with, the whole 9 yards. That's when she told me that male turkeys are basically pack animals and will try to fuck up outside turkeys trying to bang their broads. She sent me this picture as proof that I might be coming to blows with turkeys:

This may come as a shock to the majority of people reading this, but I was offended she thought sending me a picture of this old asshole with his face all fucked up would make me scared to turkey hunt. I mean… this guy is an old. He's not beating anything's ass, let alone one (or more) 20-25 pound birds with white faces ready to duke it out. 

But that's not me. In case you weren't aware, my athletic feats include (but aren't limited to) the following:

-91MPH fastball (clocked with video proof)
-Marathon finisher (5 hours, 26 mins, 36 seconds)
-40 yard field goal kicker (needed to take Parkey's job back in 2018-19 and save the Bears season (didn't work))
-2x all DVC catcher, 2 time honorable mention all area
-Voted hardest hitter (by my teammates) my freshman and sophomore year of football

And so on and so forth. 

So Sydnie thinking I wouldn't be ready to fuck up a turkey with my two hammer fists was a little annoying, though we didn't know each other well at the time, to her defense. But I knew I wouldn't need to do that because I'd have a gun on me and no, I'm not talking about my 91MPH right arm, though if I were just chucking baseballs at the turkeys they'd be even more fucked. 

What fucking idiots turkeys are though. Oh, you wanna try to tell me I can't bring your girl home? BAM, here's a 12 gauge slug in your ugly little face you clown. 

You'll look good on my mantle next to the pelt of Carl, the deer I killed last fall: 

Still though. No idea if turkeys actually try to fight or not. Sydnie said they do, then said it was a joke, then this guy got fucked up by turkeys. WHO DO I BELIEVE? I've seen enough South Park to tend to err on the side of turkey's being vicious, blood thirsty beasts who want death and death only, but idk. Maybe I'm wrong. 

I don't care at all though. What I do care about is it's almost deer season. I CANNOT WAIT to get back down to Sydnie's farm and get my first buck, finger's crossed. Maybe Chief, that unathletic LOSER, will get his first deer in general and stop missing them when he shoots at them. Only a few months until we find out. 

Until then, check out all of our hunts on Stool Outdoors from last fall: