It Would Never Work Between Me And Gisele

Welcome back to the Monday Morning Bowel Movement- THE MMBM. This year due to constipated schedules the MMBM will be appearing on Tuesdays which will allow me to include coverage of MNF and stuff like RG3 beating a bird in a footrace. There are all new segments to debut, things to rank, and takes to crank. Word of warning your probably not mentally capable of reading and absorbing these takes so if its all the same to you please leave. Its good to be back

Are PFT Commenter and Gisele romantically involved?

A story broke earlier today that everything might not be as hunky dory as we had expected with Bradys personal life, and frankly I dont really think its any of our business. But since Ive received alot of inquiries I felt I should get out ahead of this and tell you all that Im frankly not interested nor was I the reason why they broke up. Its shocking that his strategy of spending almost every Wednesday hanging out with her for a couple hours didnt fix all the marital issues.

Those are the facts. But there is a question being asked everywhere online that I would love to address just to clean things up:

Was PFT Commenter the reason why Gisele and Tom Brady broke up? Its a fair question and one thats being asked all over the internet. PFT Commenter has been rumored to be the reason they broke up. But sorry gossip girls, its not true. I have been romanticaly linked to other super models recently like Kellyann Conway and Marjorie Taylor Greene, neither of which could handle me if were being honest. But I have to now add Giselle to the "they wish" list. Honestly the list of women I havent banged out would rival the list of women that Pete Davidson has. 

It seems like this nasty rumor was started on the internet- the same place people use to plan terror attacks and watch rick and morty so that gives you a idea of the type of people youre dealing with here. 

Some people have pointed out the fact that Gisele is 5'11" tall which is actually the exact same height as me if I was on a skateboard, as one typically is during acts of love-making. And I've seen Tom pull a naked bootleg shes not into guys with wheels. Plus I dont think its anyones business why we need to know intimate details of the greatest quarterback of all time's whirlwind love life. What happened behind closed doors to break up this storybook romance that played out with these two smooching in front of the cameras is a matter strictly between Tom Brady and his son.

Now there is also the question of whats to happen with Giselle. Will she have more time to support her beloved Braziallian soccer team in Qatar as they try to take Italy out of the World Cup? As a random coincidence yes I will happen to be there at the same time. But questions are being asked about Giselles plans for her next romance and since Ive been asked many times I would just like to say Im flattered but not interested. Frankly it would never work out anyways so dont worry Tom you dont have to compete with me. If theres one person who I would be worried about moving in on my territory it would honestly be the guy who still has a key to your house Antonio Brown. Given hes copied everything else about your career I woudnt be surprised to see Russell Wilson picking her up for church on Sunday.  Also Russell Wilson has probly rewired his entire body to be a sybian from the waist down so look out for that. 

Seems like shes looking for a man who dosent live sleep and eat football 24/7 and frankly thats just not me. Now theres some nasty rumors out there that box isnt allowed on the TB12 diet and I can niether confirm nor deny that but I will say I am remaining Gisellebate. Good luck out there Gisele, you'll find Mister right but it wont be mister right here.

Also call me old fashioned but Im not really into blondes from south america with German heritage but I guess Tom has a past that would indicate a pattern of fractured relationships with Arians.

Current Head Coaches who were Assistant Coaches on the mid-2010s Washington Redskins Powerankings:

1. Deuce Gruden bonus ranking

Deuce is still strength and conditioning coach for the Las Vegas Raiders and I think thats probly the hardest job in America. Between the nightlife, the Guy Fieri restaurant, and the buffets in Vegas, keeping in shape is next to impossible but Deuce is doing a great job, namely with short king Amik Robertson

2. Kyle Shanahan

Kyle Shanahan owns Sean McVay who owns Kliff Kingsbury who owns probably a car with massively illeagally tinted windows and a keychain with a ceramic vial on it. Massive credit goes to Kyle Shanahan who has kept Jimmy Garoppolo alive through all this uncertainty and has him playing at the top of his game. Kyle Shanahan is like the McGuyver of NFL coaches he can put together a .560 team out of duct tape, a frequently medium-injured signal caller and a 6th rd running back. 

3. Kevin O'Connell. 

Kevin has partially unlocked Kirk Cousins this season depending on the time of day it is, and 9:30 AM Kirk was a site to behold.They played in hotspurs stadium, the home of another KOC that has found itself periously perched on top of the football world. 

It was very cool to see Zach Wilson pay tribute to Kirk Cousins' signature "Griddy" dance with a "Griddy" of his own. The Griddy is a dance that was invented by Kirk last year and has taken the world by storm over the past week, after Kirk Cousins brought it out in the preseason and then Christian Pulisic did it in England. Now the dance has made its way all the way to New York City- where Jets QB Zach Wilson was the latest to do it although with a bit more "street" flavor. Taysom Hill also showed that the craze has found its way all the way down to Louisiana finally as he was seen doing it in the pregame warmup.

-sesame

4. Sean McVay

Have to wonder if McVay is regretting trading Jared Goff away after this most recent performence by Stafford. Goff is only leading the top offense in the history of the 2022 NFL while Stafford is busy being completely and pathetically obsessed with Cooper Kupp. Staffords lucky he's married because its honestly a little pathetic what a clinger he's being and its making alot of Rams players uncomfortable. He probly has pictures of Cooper taped up all over his locker even though Cooper is so over him its not even funny. Hey Matt theres another guy from the Rams who spent so much time around a Cupp that it hindered his abilty to put together a drive his name was Leonard Little look it up.

5. Matt LaFluer

Matt Lafleur beat Belichick during interational weekend as Bill was wearing a croatian flag on his lapel. Ironically it was Belichick who should of been wearning LaFleur Du Lea given how hard he was surrendering with his cowardly punts in the 4th quarter. Zappe stepped in in the second half and was impressive for his time in the game depsite not getting a vote of confidence from his own coach, and LaFleur looked completely unprepared as well. Although Its kind of a Wisconsin driving tradition to underestimate how strong Baileys will be

5. Mike McDaniels

Funny how the libs pretedn to be concerned about mental health and concussions until Herschel Walker is in the news. Cool thing after this game was that someone fired the independent neurological consultant for letting Tua make a my body my choice on his own brain after he hurt it. Rules for thee not for me I guess.

Here are the rest of the coach powerankings by our good friend Memes

10 Things I Know I Know

1. The Bengals jerseyes were incredible last thursday night. Jamar Chase looked fresh but as we learned in Vegas, it can sometimes be dangerous when you get a ROY engulfed by a white tiger.

2. This is a danger when your debuting new uniforms for the first time

Im expecting Jason Whitlock to bring this up next time Brett Farve is in the news. We need leaders in the Washington Commander Community to speak up about this. 

Also I've given the lack of community support in DC some thought and-

Straight people are to blame for Washington Commanders attendence woes. Its sad because a team like this with this name has never been put forth before and frankly straight people should of supported it. My stats tell me that there are millions of heterosexual people in the Washington DC/Raljon Maryland district and they couldnt be bothered to get off their lazy boys and watch the Commanders play the jaguars and eagles this year. Its frankly dispicable in this day and age that they would be so put off by a QB who literaly plays for both sides that they would insist on staying home

3. Do the Colts miss Carson Wentz? We explored the fact that Indianapolis is where formerly good, slightly immobile QBs go to ride off into the sunset and die after going 9-8. But many around the league are speculating that they moved on from Carson Wentz a year too early. Matt Ryan is currently on pace to just about double the alltime record for fumbles in a single season. So ive taken the liberty to plot out their next moves and here we go.

2023- Joe Flacco

2024- Teddy Bridgewater

2025- Nick Foles (coming off a season where he took the Eagles to the NFC championship game again as a backup)

2026- Ryan Tannehill

2027- Kirk Cousins

2028-Russel Wilson

2029- Derek Carr

2030- Zach Wilson

2031- Bo Nix

And dont get me wrong, as a Commanders fan I wish I had your QB history. Commanders QBs are like if you made a copy of a copy of a Colts QB. 

4. Sabermetric stat of the week- the Philadelphia Eagles have not had a single field goal attempted against them all year. If they make it through another week they will be the only team since at least 1999 and probly before to have first 5 weeks of the season without any kicks taken against them. The trend looks to continue this weekend as Kliff Kingsbury is a guy with a real nose for the goaline if you know what I'm saying. Not a guy youd expect to see banging 3s anytime soon.

5. Thoughts or Prayers to DK Metcalf whose intestines had a little deflategate situation in his intestines and calle for a golf cart to come pick him up and go to the bathroom despite being paid like a true number 1 receiver. You are what you eat and not suprisingly whatever he had for dinner ran straight through him.

6. Everyone please keep Will Compton in your thoughts as he tries out for the Falcons. Still not totally sure if this is a elaborate ruse or not like the movie carrie where Arthur Smith will end up dumping pigs blood on him, but I can think of no better fit for a guy with such a preposterous body fat %-to total career QB pressures ratio then a franchise synoymous with 28-3. Hey, Speaking of 28-3 I cant recommend highly enough the most recent episode of Bussin with the Boys where Will and Taylor compete in a IQ test. 

8. 

Same

9. JJ Watt got a ablation or whatever which shocked his heart back into rhythm only to bully the Carolina Panthers. He was suffering from something called "a-fib" which is ironic because the heart never lies. Kind of makes you wonder how come Cam Newton never had a heart injury, kind of similar to how Shaqueem Griffin never sprained his wrist, and Brett Favre never got his penis stepped on if you know what I'm saying.

10. We had a fan run on the field last night during Monday night football and I'd like to put one in the earhole of everyone who called this person a streaker. Your not a streaker unless the crowd can see pubes. I also think the policy of the camera not showing them if outdated because the internet was invented by AL Gore 35 years ago. 

MailPail: Great Question

This is a great question and it can be solved on the Kirk Cousins natural evolutionary chart. Most Kirk Cousinses will progress into being Matt Ryans, but much like the Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens hundreds of years ago, there can be a split. The best possible case for Kirk Cousins is to become a Joe Flacco in a contract year and catch absolute fire and win a championship. The evolutionary chart of Kirk Cousins goes as such:

John Beck-->TJ Yates-->Blaine Gabbert--> Brandon Hoyer-->Jeff Garcia-->Kirk Cousins-- then this is where it splits and you  either evolve into 2022 Matt Ryan or 2012 Joe Flacco. 

Your only hope is that he splits into 2012 Flacco, catches complete fire by playing in every early game during the playoffs and matches up against the Chargers in the super bowl whereupon they naturally "Chargers it" away at the end and your forced to pay him infinity dollars making his mere presence proibitively exclusive of winning any games ever again until 3 years after you draft his replacement. Thats best case.

If Patrick Mahomes Does This The Media Goes Nuts:

Recommended activity for Deshaun Watson to avoid committing sexual assaults this week: Watching Fishing Controversy Videos

Unlocked Athletic Premium Plus Content for TMBM Subscribers: Joe Biden Discusses His Fantasy Football Team