Dumping Them Out: Hot New GIFs (My Foot is FINE)

I have fantastic news. I have unlocked a series of new Boob GIFs. Don't ask me where I got them. I had to do a series of favors in order to gain access to these. Favors I am not proud of, but were very necessary. Dumping Them Out is a Boob GIFs franchise, and I can't afford to not have the best Boob GIF's on the internet. Dumping Them Out is the ONLY place on the internet where you can find attractive women with nearly exposed breasts.

I mean look at this one! She's wearing some sort of nipple tape!

And there's more where that came from, folks. 

Ok, new subject - the last few days, I have received a lot of advice in my replies, from my friends, from my co-workers, and from every member of my family. The advice they gave me: YoU NeEd To sEe a DoCtoR. 

If you have not been following along with this riveting personal story, I wrote a blog detailing the incident on Friday, and I wrote a blog about what I learned from Twitter doctor's on Saturday.

Long story short, I tried to do a very cool, very age appropriate jump to clear the bottom 8 steps of my apartment staircase. I smoothly cleared 7.5 of them, but the last half of the final step got me good. I rolled the shit out of my ankle. Shit was everywhere. Here is how it looked the next day.

One cool thing about me is that I avoid doctors at all costs. I'm far too tough for them. My body takes care of itself. Doctors are always trying to tell me how to live my life. I don't care for their opinions. But once I posted the picture of my ankle online, all of the people in my life teamed up to bully me into seeing a doctor. It was a few tweets in particular from people who said they twisted their ankle, never saw a doctor, and ended up needing surgery a few weeks later that scared me the most.

So this morning, I hobbled my way to the Urgent Care in Jersey City. It was quite the visit. This Urgent Care doctor had the worst bedside manner in the history of doctors. When I took off my sock to show her my foot, she looked like she had seen a ghost. I could see in her eyes that she was HORRIFIED at the fact I had been walking on it since Wednesday. 

Then she says to me, "Let me check your foot for a pulse." As she's checking my foot, another horrified look comes over her face. She starts franticly feeling all around my foot for a pulse. She looks me in the eye and says, "You don't have a pulse". 

So there were about 5 minutes where I thought I had some sort of pulseless zombie foot. Her nervous demeanor inpspired nothing but fear inside of me. I was starting to think the worst. Like I might be rushed to the ER for some sort of emergency foot amputation. 

Then finally, she says, "Oh wait there it is. Sometimes when feet swell it's hard to find them."

I don't know a lot about doctoring, but I can't help but think a better doctor would not have made their patient think they had a dead foot.

Then they sent me across town to get an x-ray (because this super professional Urgent Care didn't have one of their own). So I take a quick $30 Uber to the doctor who actually has doctor equipment, and got my foot scanned.

Wow, how about that! Totally fine! Who would have guessed (other than me).

Unfortunately, I did not personally meet Dr. J. Weiner (he must have been the guy who looked at my x-ray?). But he didn't have to dunk on my soft tissue like that. Unremarkable? In hindsight, that entire visit was nothing more than a roast of my foot. From the first doctor telling me my foot was not living, to the second doctor calling my soft tissue "unremarkable". I spent a 2 hours of my day getting clowned, and all I got was this lousy splint.

Let this be a lesson to everyone reading. Always trust your gut. If your gut says you're fine, DO NOT waste your time seeing a doctor. 

So that ends the ankle saga. Kinda wish I would have had to get surgery just so I could lean on it for content for a few more weeks. I guess I have to start coming up with "actual ideas" again. 

I have to confess something. I just spent 10 minutes typing a paragraph about a dream I had. Don't worry, I deleted it. I was legitimately about to describe to you my dream from last night… Wow….. There were a few minutes there where I was like, "yeah I'm sure people will love to hear about this dream of mine." Yikes. Thank god I caught myself. Sorry about that guys. Yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes. 

Does anybody else get hiccups when they eat something spicy? I bought a pack of Fuego Taki's last night. I ate 3 of them before they gave me hiccups. From 8pm-10pm last night I was hiccuping. Ruined my night. I couldn't focus on anything else other than my hiccups for 2 straight hours. It was infuriating. 

I just started paying attention to baseball this year once the playoffs started (which is what I do every year). I bet $200 on the Phillies to win the World Series so I would have something to cheer for. That's a lot of money for me. I rarely bet over $50. But I was a little drunk and thought it sounded fun. Anyways, the Phillies have been a DELIGHT to cheer for. They have a very fun team. My favorite player is Jean Segura. You never know if he's going to make a crazy diving play, boot a routine ground ball, hit a single off of a ball that bounced in the dirt, get picked off at first. He's either going to ruin the game, or win the game for his team. Just a complete wild card. I love guys like that. 

As I'm typing this, the Phillies just let the Padres take a 3-2 lead because the Phillies pitcher threw 2 wild pitches in one at bat to let someone score from 2nd base. They're a roller coaster of a team to cheer for.

Also the "We're talkin about The Fightings, THE FIGHTINS! SAID! SAID!" guy is the perfect person to quote when the Phillies do something good. I love this guy now. Regardless of how the Phillies end up doing, it's been a very enjoyable team to root for in the postseason.

Go Phils

Bonus butts