Now Hiring: MLB Wants To Pay You $35/Hour To Be An Official Scorekeeper Even If You Dropped Out Of High School

2023 MLB Official Scorer (Seasonal)

I don't know if you guys saw this but figured I'd get in front of it just in case I get the job. MLB is hiring new score keepers in a handful of local markets and it's basically my dream job. I love keeping score. So much you'd say I fuckin enjoy it. Like a nice cardigan or hot cup of coffee. The game hits so much different when you're committed to craftmanship on the daily scorecard.

Obviously the position comes with a lot of responsibility so let's not waste any time. Some of you heathen degenerates might actually be fit for employment: 

The Official Scorer makes and announces all game decisions involving judgment calls based on Rule 9 of the Official Baseball Rules, clarifying scoring rules interpretation to club and media personnel when necessary.  Approves the official game report transmitted to MLB’s Official Statistician (Elias Sports Bureau) post-game.

Elias Sports Burea is one of the most mysterious yet respected institutions in my life. You see the name ELIAS and you stand at attention. It's a big deal and turns out this job basically means you're in charge of them.

Another nice thing about the job is you got options. COVID bothering you? Canada's open for business. Florida too warm in July? Can I interest you in the lush river banks of Cincinnati? 

We are accepting applications for all markets, but are actively recruiting for the following:

• Boston Red Sox (Boston, MA)
• Cincinnati Reds (Cincinnati, OH)
• Miami Marlins (Miami, FL)
• Toronto Blue Jays (Ontario, Canada)

We encourage you to apply for your local team’s opening, even if there is not an immediate need, as our staffing requirements may change throughout the year.

Geographically speaking that's actually not a shabby dispersion. You got 4 distinct ways of life available provided you meet these ESSENTIAL functions

ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS:

• Arrive at the ballpark no later than 60 minutes prior to the scheduled start time.
• Collect rosters and other applicable information, test press box microphone and be set up before first pitch.
• Keep a detailed scorecard of the game, focusing on every pitch and play.
• Make announcements as expected of the Official Scorer (i.e. time of first pitch, individual pitching lines, Official Review times, fielding credits, winning and losing pitchers, etc.). 

Test microphones? Is this Major League Baseball or am I working the back room at Joes on Weed this weekend? Give me a break. 

Get to the field before the game. Watch the game. Keep score. We don't need to treat it like senior-staff level position in the Accenture data privacy group. You want to talk about self inflated job descriptions? We're starting to cross that line…

QUALIFICATIONS AND SKILLS:

• Exceptional (and demonstrable) knowledge of the Official Baseball Rules, and especially Section 9 of OBR.
• Effectively utilize approved online tools designed to enhance performance and communication with essential game personnel.
• Ability to clearly communicate information via press box mic, and to effectively clarify Official Scoring Rules and scoring decisions, when necessary, to club officials and others.
• Demonstrate good judgment on applicable plays requiring decisions.
• Attention to detail in keeping a scorecard and tracking game totals for each player and team.
• Demeanor to accept constructive criticism and instruction, and patience to deal with critique of performance from various parties (i.e. clubs, players, media).
• Collaborative spirit with colleagues at MLB, other Official Scorers, team officials and others.
• At many games, the Official Scorer may be the most visible representative of MLB and needs to conduct him or herself with appropriate dignity.
• Previous Official Scoring experience in professional or amateur baseball is strongly preferred but not required

BLAH BLAH BLAh. 

Demonstrate. 

Collaborate. 

Communicate. 

All poppycock in my eyes. 

A good score keeper doesn't give a flying fuck about collaborative spirit. That sounds like opening the door for bribes and kickbacks and FRAUD. 

A good scorekeeper isn't afraid to rule it an error because you got lazy footwork. A good scorekeeper doesn't suck gold glove dick or measure oneself in their ability to process constructive criticism. That's all trash. 

Instead I want precision. I want judicious action like Ron Jaworski breaking down '01 Trent Dilfer. I want an iron fist and a staunch commitment to objective standards of fair play. Is it too much to ask for a fraction of this transparency in a job posting? 

Obviously yes. But the bright side is all you suckers are probably out there focusing on the wrong things. Writing cover letters about your integrity and how nice you played in the sandbox as a kid. If I know Rob Manfred as well as I know Rob Manfred, his office doesn't care. 

Personally I see the hourly rate and all I can think about is stomping the competition. This is my job to lose

The hiring range for this position is an hourly rate of $35.00. The actual offer will carefully consider a wide range of factors, including your work experience, education, skills and any other factors Major League Baseball (MLB) considers relevant to the hiring decision.

And let the record show that last sentence is the first and only mention of education. Nothing hard and fast on your GED or college major or preliminary work experience. This is a results first business that actively devalues education in favor of professional experience. To go back on that with the scorekeepers would be a substantial injustice. Unless they pay more for 80% of law degrees then by all means let me fax the transcripts. 

Meantime I'm working on the resume. Just added my 61st episode of Starting 9 to the list. You can listen below and subscribe HERE