Everyone Knows That Santa Claus Doesn't Wrap His Presents

Seasons Greetings, those who celebrate any sort of holiday in December. Over the years it has been brought to my attention that those of us who celebrate Christmas, had their gifts given by Santa in one of two ways: wrapped or unwrapped.

The actual, real, correct way that Santa has always delivered gifts… is unwrapped. 

Tell me this - do you think for one second, Saint Nicholas has time to wrap gifts for BILLIONS of children? The elves already spent the entire year MAKING these gifts, now the brats want to rip open wrapping paper? As if. No chance. They are all magic, of course, but magic only goes so far. 

You think Santa has time to check the name tags on every wrapped present before leaving it at your house? If this were true, wouldn't there be more "mistake gifts" around the world? He's only human. We're not taking "human error" into consideration when it comes to Santa Claus? I know that I never woke up with a hot wheels set instead of a Barbie dream house. He's got a bag full of toys, he reaches in, grabs what is relevant, and leaves it for you. Quick, efficient, no fuck ups. 

You know who wraps presents? Parents. Your mom or dad sits up in their room, with the door locked, while you find excuses throughout the entire 2 hours to continuously knock on the door and interrupt them so you can try to sneak a peek at your gifts. Parents get gifts for their kids too on Christmas!! There are plenty of opportunities to rip open wrapping paper! Santa's not your Dad. 

Speaking of the wrapping paper again - um, what a fucking waste? It's already a massive waste, but imagine if Santa was wrapping billions of gifts every year? Does the North Pole have that little of disregard for the environment? Wouldn't there be a global paper shortage, every single year? Does he just have access to every single kind of wrapping paper, Elsa and Spiderman out the ass? What if you don't like either of those things? There are approximately 45 trillion different kinds of wrapping paper. Is The North Pole even big enough to hold all this "paper?" Would they have a separate Wrapping Warehouse? Sounds like a higher property tax to me. Don't you think the environmentalists would've cancelled Santa by now? 

I hate to break it to you, but if you grew up with wrapped gifts from Santa…he was never really at your house. He skipped you. Maybe you were bad, maybe your family was rotten, maybe your home was too far off the beaten path. Your parents had to step in, and as always, they over compensated. "LOOK WHAT SANTA DID!!! LOOK AT SANTA'S CAREFULLY WRAPPED AND LABELED PRESENTS!!" It's sad, really. So many people have gone through life without actual gifts from Santa… only the feeble attempts at Christmas from their parents. I feel bad for you.