A Hospital is Evacuated Over a Bomb Scare. The Bomb Being an Unexploded WWI Shell Stuck Up an Old Man's Butthole.

Heritage Images. Getty Images.

I think that one of the commonalities shared by all of us is that we are either in the medical profession or know someone who is. For instance I don't come from a huge family, and yet between immediate family, cousins and in-laws, I'm related to a half dozen nurses. With a half dozen or so others among friends, friends' wives and the like. 

Which means that everyone of us has a first- or second hand story about someone coming to the ER with something stuck up their butt. It's got to be the first thing people who work in hospitals get asked, in that way commercial pilots always get the "Have you seen an UFOs?" question, fiction authors get asked "Where do you get your ideas from?" and satirical sports bloggers always hear, "Where did you ever learn to satisfy a woman the way you do?" 

For instance, on Parks and Recreation, the Amy Poehler character was trying to get the Rashida Jones character to quit her job at the hospital and work for the town:

Leslie Knope: This is your destiny, Ann. You don't want to waste away at the Pawnee St. Joseph Medical Center. … And let's be honest, it would be nice to not have to pull strange things out of people's butts every night.
Ann: You've mentioned that before. That doesn't happen that often.
Leslie: It happened once.
Ann: Just once.
Leslie: That already is too many times.

No one wants to hear a medical professional's story about the life they saved or the beautiful newborn they helped bring into the world. We want to cut right to the chase and hear about objects lodged into asses. And the workers at this hospital just set a standard that may never be approached:

Source - The case left doctors shell-shocked. 

A French hospital was partially evacuated Saturday after a senior citizen arrived with a World War I artillery shell lodged in his rectum. 

The 88-year-old patient visited Hospital Sainte Musse in Toulon to have the antique explosive removed — but instead sparked a “bomb scare,” French publication Var-Matin reported. 

“An emergency occurred from 9 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. on Saturday evening that required the intervention of bomb disposal personnel, the evacuation of adult and pediatric emergencies as well as the diversion of incoming emergencies,” a hospital spokesperson stated. …

“They reassured us by telling us that it was a collector’s item from the First World War, used by the French military,” the hospital stated. 

Stunned doctors subsequently began the process of trying to remove the object — which measured almost 8 inches long and more than 2 inches wide — from the man’s rectum. 

It’s believed the pervy patient inserted the item up his anus for sexual pleasure. 

“An apple, a mango, or even a can of shaving foam, we are used to finding unusual objects inserted where they shouldn’t be,” one doctor declared. “But a shell? Never!”

First, let us congratulate the Post for their rare display of restraint. Keeping their pun game down to just a "shell-shocked" and the alliteration down to a simple "pervy patient" must have taken all their strength, but they managed it somehow. 

Next, let's have no more "perv" talk, shall we? Given what every hospital worker tells us, cramming things up your prison wallet "for sexual pleasure" is apparently the most natural thing in the world. Something deep in the human psyche, it seems. I mean, this one doctor has seen apples, mangoes and cans of shaving cream. It can't be "pervy" if everyone is doing it. So why judge an 88 year old man for coming upon an unexploded piece of 100-year old ordnance and, instead of seeing a piece of history, sees something that would feel good shoved up his butthole? That shell was built to stop the Kaiser and ended up pleasuring his keister. The way those French lads manning the trenches on the front no doubt would've wanted it. 

Credit where it's due to this elderly gentleman. First, for still being so into the game that he's looking for things to insert into his anus at an age where a lot of people have lost all control over theirs. And also for owning up to it. I feel like 99% of the time, these stories always end with the patient making some phony baloney excuse about how they slipped on a wet floor and that jar of Grey Poupon somehow got wedged up in there. Not this horny old SOB. He wanted to know what a WWI-era shell felt like up his cornhole and doesn't care who knows it. If I were in his shoes, I probably would've kept trying to get it out on my own until I died of starvation. But at his age, he obviously ne donne pas un merde. 

So you do you, Old Timer. Let that freak flag fly. Your ancestors fought, died and won that war so you'd have the freedom to jam whatever you want into whatever orifice you choose. Vive la France. Vive le liberte.