Best Of 2023 - Imagining What Barstool Radio Would've Been Like Today (Mean Girls vs Kelly Keegs)
Days like today really make me miss Barstool Radio. I can't stop daydreaming about what would've been going down on the Sirius XM airwaves today if we still had a two hour radio show to recap the Mean Girls (and Francis?) vs. Kelly Keegs (and everyone else?) drama. So I decided to write up a realistic depiction of what would've likely went down. Away we go.
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Barstool HQ - March 20, 2023
3:59 - Dave, Riggs, and I enter the Barstool Radio studio. I compliment Dave on his outfit and say he's looking extra tan on this lovely Monday afternoon.
4:01 - Liz enters the studio on crutches. It's been four years since the car incident and she still has not fully recovered.
4:02 - Frankie lowers the intro music. Riggs welcomes us in with his patented cadence and pauses between words, "Alright. What's up. It. Is. Barstool. Radio. It is Monday. March 23rd. It's myself. Dave. Liz. Aaaand Tommy. We've got a .... WILD..... show. For you guys today. The Mean Girls. This morning. Mean Girl Pod. They set the Internet. Ablaze—"
Dave interrupts Riggs. "Riggs how are you so tan? Where have you been?"
Riggs reveals to Dave that he spent the weekend at a five-star Jamaican resort in their presidential suite on the company's dime. When Dave accuses this of being another boondoggle, Riggs counters that the trip was well worth it because he played 9 holes at the resort's mini golf course and got 3 TikToks out of it.
4:08 - Dave mentions that he was out to dinner on Saturday night. I stop him mid-sentence. "I bet you looked so fucking sexy boss. Hottest guy at the restaurant I'm sure of it. Go Pres Go."
4:15 - Riggs throws us to our first break. "Alright we're gonna sneak in a break. When we get. Back. Alex and Jordyn from the. Mean. Girl. Pod. Will. Be. On. To. Discuss. Their. Latest. Internet. Controversy." As we head into our ad break, Liz lets out a feint groan as she withers in pain.
4:18 - We get back from break and we delay the Mean Girls segment. Office Manager Brett is in the studio instead after Dave learned of the travel arrangements Brett made for the Final Four in Houston. He had Dave taking a red eye flight to Los Angeles, hopping on a connecting flight to Vancouver, driving a rental car down to Omaha, Nebraska. And then traveling in a horse and buggy from there to Houston. Dave rips into him for awhile. Brett defends himself by saying that in total it was $12 cheaper than a direct flight from New York to Houston.
4:34 - Back from our next break. The Mean Girls segment is once again delayed. 4:30 is our Mintzy Daily Report segment every day. Today Mintzy calls in to tell us that he that he made a 36 second Twitter video about college baseball, thought about writing a Pelicans blog but decided not to, tweeted out "Monday Morning. Time to go to work again" at 12:24 PM, took 13 phone calls about Hogs For The Cause, and ate a sandwich.
4:52 - Back from our third break and we only have 5 minutes before our next one at the top of the hour. We decide to save the Mean Girls for then. In the meantime, Dave asks if any of us have been watching the new season of The Bachelor. I say, "Only if you are boss." Riggs says he has and that this season has been an "electric factory." Liz claims she's never heard of the show. We are bewildered. She adds, "I guess I've seen some people talking about it. But I reserve Mondays at 8 for reading my book."
Frankie promptly hits the "Simply The Best" music.
5:01 - Back from our halfway break. The Mean Girls segment is once again delayed. Rico Bosco's music hits. The greatest caller in terrestrial and satellite radio has called in. At 4:37 PM, Riggs referenced his "buddy Michael." Rico has a major problem with this. Michael is Rico's confirmation name and he doesn't want Riggs ever muttering it publicly on the air. He took this as a direct shot and tells Riggs that he just made "the list."
5:14 - Youngstown Bob walks by the studio. He wipes his mouth with a napkin. Dave giddily exclaims, "Munchtown Bob! Look at Tonguestown Bob over there wiping his mouth! Probably has to clean up that all pussy he's been eating" and Dave laughs. I laugh even louder. Twice as loud. "That's so fucking funny boss. You're on a roll today! And where did you get that shirt? I love it. Best shirt I've ever seen." Riggs decides it's time to "sneak in another break."
5:17 - We're back from break and Alex and Jordyn are nowhere to be found. We decide to pass the time by taking some calls. 22-year-old Steve calls in. "Dave I bet you're the best hand washer in the world. Not a single germ left when you're done. I've seen your hand washing form before and it's perfect. Go Pres Go. Salt of the Earth. Team Portnoy for life." Dave thanks him and hangs up. Internally I'm angry at myself, wondering why I hadn't thought of saying that earlier.
The next caller wishes Tim Cobbett a happy belated birthday. "March 8th!" Dave exclaims.
Another caller asks Riggs if the Barstool golf polos run true to size or if he should go a size up. "Usually I'm a large, but I like room to breath when I'm out on the golf course. Do you think maybe an XL would be better?" Riggs gives a thoroughly detailed 9 minute answer and then says "Alright it's 5:29. Let's sneak in another break."
5:36 - We decided to do a double break to get the last one out of the way and finally end the show on the Mean Girls drama. Liz has left the studio for a doctor appointment.
5:37 - We hear a loud honk, a thud, and then a high-pitched scream from down on 7th Avenue. Liz has been struck by another car.
5:39 - The Mean Girls finally enter the studio. Frankie welcomes them in with the intro music "Dirrty" by Christina Aguilera.
(This choice comes from Frankie himself. I asked him).
Alex and Jordyn take their seats. They tell their side of the story and explain why they don't wash their hands, claiming that diseases only began right around when modern hand soap was invented. Riggs is flabbergasted. "Uhhh have you ladies heard of the Bubonic Plague? That shit. Was. WILD."
5:44 PM - Their segment is interrupted as Tyler O'Day saunters by the studio. He's wearing skin tight shorts that end 7 inches above his knee, a velvet suit, a feather scarf, and a fedora. Dave stops dead in his tracks. Tyler O'Day has once again taken his breath away. "Tyler O'Day!!!!!!" Tyler enters the studio to sing us a Christian gospel song off his new hit album "The 40 O'Days Of Lent."
5:50 PM - Kelly Keegs flies into the studio on a broom. She gives her side of the drama with the Mean Girls and talks about her blog. Her, Jordyn, and Alex are all yelling over each other. It's hard to make anything out. The claws are coming out. I'm sitting in the corner grinning ear to ear rubbing my hands together. Gaz has found a way to bend the space-time continuum to get from Miami to New York in 41 seconds so he could watch the fight live from behind the glass. The fight goes on for awhile and no progress is made.
5:56 PM - Smitty walks by the glass and slips on a banana peel. Dave laughs. "What an idiot! What a fucking blockhead! I don't care about hand washing or dinosaurs! Nobody in the world can ever be dumber than Smitty!" Smitty barges into the studio. It goes similar to this.
5:57 - Riggs says "Alright we're gonna sneak in the end of the show. Thank you to the Mean Girls. Kelly. Smitty. Rico. Tyler O'Day. Prayers for Liz Gonzalez. We will see you guys tomorrow."