Oversized Baggage Guys Play A Vengeful Game

Does anyone know the route that bags take from an airplane to the baggage collection area? Could some former baggage handler please blow the whistle on this labyrinthine journey? Specifically, oversized baggage: golf clubs, skis, gigantic dog crates, children's car seats, human trafficking Wayfair dressers, etc. For whatever reason, these larger items seem to be held in purgatory far longer than your typical rollaway suitcase. And I'm sick and fucking tired of it. 

I recently returned from a ski trip in Telluride, Colorado to Newark Airport. The flight landed around 9PM and I don't think my skis came out of the oversized baggage depot until 11PM. I waited two hours. Two hours circling around crowds of doofuses wearing cowboy hats and fur vests they bought to "fit in" out there, only to realize that you'd have to be a complete fucking cocksucker to wear that shit in New York City. But they're still excited about it, and they haven't returned to reality yet, so they're wearing it in the Newark Terminal as poorer families push baby strollers past them on their way home from Orlando and wonder what planet we're living on. 

Two hours. What... what happened? Was there a strike? Did we land at La Guardia and mystically transport through some terminal into Newark? Where are my Rossignols? Where are my Lange boots stuffed to the toe with marijuana? 

It's always skis and golf clubs, too. My theory is that the baggage handlers don't like skis or golf clubs because they are reminders of the better lives the passengers are living. I guess I don't blame them. If I were forced to deadlift heavy baggage and inhale tarmac exhaust, weaving my centipede of a luggage cart in and out of de-icing cranes, shuttle buses, maintenance vehicles, and Boeing 777s all day for a living, I'd probably take my time with luxury toys too. Fuck your skis and golf clubs. Oh, is that a Scotty Cameron putter cover peaking out of that travel bag? Too bad it just caught between my boot and the truck door. Good luck lining up your putts with a bent shaft, you pathetic 12 index. 

Anyway. If someone who has worked outdoors at an airport could weigh in on what's happening here, I'd be much obliged. And thank you for your service I guess. In spite of the delays, the fact that baggage always seems to get home to you is truly a magic trick. I've had baggage lost by airlines many times only to have some random dude in a windowless van arrive at my apartment two days later with it. I don't understand this process but boy oh boy, it seems only reasonable that these guys who are so good at finding things would be equally adept at losing things in a marsh. Like a body.