There's an ASS for Every Seat... (Boom Boom!)

I've purchased a lot of new and used vehicles over the years. I've done business with dealerships, but a majority of the used vehicles I purchased during the '70s and '80s were off of someone's front lawn back when 100,000 miles was thought of as high mileage. Recently, the pre-owned landscape has changed considerably, and 100,000 miles has become normal mileage, with vehicles lasting well over 200,000 miles. Most vehicle searches now begin online, and in the results are websites like CarGurus, Carfax, Autotrader, and others that advertise/list dealer cars for a fee. 

Carfax reports list all previous owners for any vehicle if you provide the VIN Number, and whether they were personal, personal lease, rental, or commercial lease (fleet). And, how many miles each owner put on per year, the service and accident history, if the car was in a flood, and if the deal being offered is a Fair Deal, a Good Deal, a Great Deal, or something in between based on price, condition, and the sell prices of similar vehicles in the area. It even shows price history so potential buyers can see if the price has gone up or down and by how much. Most dealerships provide Carfax reports for free, but some don't, and you'll have to pay for them yourself. I wouldn't buy a used car without seeing the Carfax or something similar because every car has its secrets…

There are also car dealerships like CarMax and Carvana that have relaxed sales environments, but a majority of their pre-owned vehicles are not in local inventory but can be shopped on their database with the help of a sales assistant. Those vehicles will need to be shipped at the customer's expense. When the vehicles arrive, potential buyers can refuse them, but unless the vehicle is damaged, the shipping fee is still the potential buyer's responsibility, which I believe is prepaid. Shipping fees start at $99 for vehicles not in local inventory and can top out at over $1,500 if the vehicle is a greater distance away. Although there are no doc fees like the ones at local dealerships, which in my experience range between $400 and $700, the vehicles at these types of dealerships are grossly overpriced, IMO. I'm not buying into the new process. Of course, there's always eBay, Craigslist, or Facebook Marketplace…

I recently began searching for a pre-owned Crossover Utility Vehicle (CUV) for my son, and while there are certainly plenty available, prices are way out of line right now because of shortages in new cars and trade-ins, and even high mileage (more than 100,000), 10 plus-year-old vehicles, with CarFax/Autocheck histories of accidents and engine replacements are being advertised for around $20,000, and the prices at most dealerships are non-negotiable, meaning they'll lower the advertised price only when they're good and ready to. Basic warranties cover 30 days and 1,200  miles, which is nothing. Hard-sell finance guys push extended warranties at a premium during the signing. There's an old saying in the automobile business, "There's an ass for every seat," and some experienced car dealers are very patient and are willing to wait for that one individual to walk into their dealership and pay their price. One greedy dealership told me the selling price would increase if I chose to get my own financing. The entire process has become a big money grab… 

Lease vehicles turned into dealers are being sold as Certified Pre-Owned and are priced on the high side of current market value. There are always those car buyers who don't mind overpaying for the vehicle they want, provided it comes with solid warranties, and CPOs offer that assurance.

I worked in the auto industry years ago (1977-'78) as an auto reconditioner. First, I worked at Bonded Dodge in Canton, where, with the help of an experienced reconditioner, I learned the trade. I learned how to buff, polish, steam clean, paint motors, wheel wells, and trunks, pinstripe, shampoo and dye carpet, clean, dress, and repair vinyl roofs, and detail even the dirtiest vehicles into looking like they never left the showroom floor. I loved seeing the transformation that a good detailing made on a filthy high-mileage vehicle. 

I had a friend who was a car salesman at Blue Hill Lincoln Mercury in Canton, just a quarter mile down from Bonded Dodge on Route 138, and he put me in touch with the service manager who wanted to replace the guys doing their reconditioning. My friend Doogie was an unemployed refrigeration technician at the time, and I convinced him to come work with me reconditioning cars. In order to get the reconditioning contract at Blue Hill, we needed to recon one used car and do one new car prep (wash 'n vac). We went in on a Saturday afternoon when the current recon guys weren't there and did the two cars. They came out great, and we were hired on the spot. I still remember standing in the service area on Monday morning and watching the other three guys pack up their stuff after learning they were fired. They were pissed, and based on the looks they were giving us, we anticipated a fistfight, but nothing happened. They were doing a horrible job and not showing up every day, according to the service manager.

They gave us two bays to work out of, one for washing cars, and the other for detailing, and we had to provide all our own tools and supplies. I contacted a rep from KarKraft, and he got us all the supplies and tools we needed along with a line of credit for our startup business, which I named Pro Car Care.

It went well, but every Friday, I had to sit with the service manager in his office and go over the invoices, or we would've gotten royally screwed. It wasn't fun, and I never trusted any of the managers there.

Then, I was approached by Ken, a guy who had a small used car lot. He wanted me to recon his cars, and he was willing to pay $50 per car, $15 more than most dealers were paying at the time, and he had 14-16 cars a week for us to do. We left Blue Hill Lincoln Mercury and rented an old truck garage in Walpole, just behind a bar called Pete's Dream on Route 1A…

Doogie and I would split each car in half, and we'd buff it together. One day, Ken called and asked if it was alright for one of his guys to come to my shop and do some dashboard work while we finished up the car. Ken had a deal with Hertz to buy their lease vehicles, and at the time, he was getting a lot of Chrysler Cordobas that were only a year old, but had high mileage, anywhere from 90,000 to 110,000. They were nice-looking cars and an affordable alternative to Chevrolet Monte Carlos. Because they were purchased new by Hertz, Ken was able to purchase them from Hertz with open titles, meaning that on paper, they had under 10 miles on them, and it was left up to Ken to fill in the current mileage…

Magic Car Pics. Shutterstock Images.

I was buffing the driver's side of a Cordoba, and Doogie was doing the passenger side, when a kid driving a '63 white Chevy Impala with red panels, two rear antennas, and a Rhode Island plate, pulled up. His girlfriend was sitting on his lap, so it seemed when he backed up against the garage door, which was partially open. He got out and said, "I'm here to do dashboard work for Ken…" I asked him if it was okay if we continued buffing while he worked on the dashboard, and he said, "No problem."

As I buffed the driver's side door, I peeked in and saw him pop off the plastic speedometer cover. Then he took out a pushpin and rolled the odometer back to 26,000 from 106,000. I immediately called Ken…

I told Ken what I saw and that if he wanted to spin back speedometers, he couldn't do it in my shop where I could be arrested for it. When I reminded him it's a $10,000 fine and potentially could lead to losing his dealer license, Ken laughed and said the new law actually made it easier because no one suspected it was even being done anymore. According to Ken, everyone was still doing it. He justified his underhanded activity, "Those Cordobas were salesman's lease cars and have all highway miles, and there's very little ridge wear on the motors. They're fine…"

When that car was all done, the buyer came to my shop to take a look at it. He and his wife were both retired and in their late 60s, early 70s, and he said his Cadillac had 80,000 miles on it, and that's why he decided to trade it on the Cordoba. Little did he know his new-to-me Cordoba had more miles on it than the old Caddy he was trading in… 

Different_Brian. Getty Images.

A few weeks later, a clean '72 Pontiac Firebird Formula came in to be reconditioned. It had a 400, 4-speed, and 84,000 miles. I liked it, and I called Ken about buying it before I reconditioned it. He gave me a very high price, and when I questioned him about it, he said, "I'll spin the speedometer back to 28,000, and I'll get my money for it." I responded, "I know the real mileage, and there's no way I'm paying that much for that car…" He said he'd spin it back for me too, making the car worth it. I told him, "If I ordered a burger in your restaurant and you dropped it on the kitchen floor and then slid it in between the bun, and I didn't see it happen, I'd eat it. But, if  I saw it hit the floor, I ain't eatin' it! I saw the true mileage, and I'm not overpaying for your illegally altered odometer." He spun it back, and somebody bought it… 

Doogie lost his love for reconditioning cars, and he wasn't paying attention and used the wrong cleaning product on the leather seat of a chocolate brown Mercedes 450 SL convertible, one of Ken's high-end customer's cars. When I walked by and saw that he was scrubbing the finish off of the driver's leather seat, turning the Cognac-colored seat black, I told him to stop. He wanted out, and because he was a good friend, we parted ways amicably. But, I was stuck with a very expensive damaged leather seat…

Barrett-Jackson. Getty Images.

I looked in the yellow pages and found a leather shop in Dedham, and when I described what happened to the shop owner over the phone, he said he could definitely fix the seat. I drove there Friday morning, and after looking at it, he said he needed about 2 hours. I called Ken and told him the Benz wouldn't be ready until Monday, and then my girlfriend and I went for lunch…

When we came back, he was finishing up, and the seat looked great, but there was one minor problem, the passenger seat looked awful in comparison, and I asked him to do that one too. We had to wait a while for the seats to dry, but they ended up looking phenomenal. The leather guy insisted on only charging me $25, so I threw in a case of his favorite beer. My girlfriend and I were stuck driving the Benz the entire weekend…

The doctor who owned the car told Ken the seats looked better than they did when it was brand new… 

The biggest car scam I heard of took place in 1988, and it involved two people I knew. I had just got my plumber's license, opened my own business, and I was having a contractor I did plumbing work for, build a deck at my house. One of the laborers was the brother of a kid I graduated high school with. Right around that time, I got a call from the older brother asking me to fix the front spigot at his parent's house. It was running, and no one could shut it off inside or out.

When I got there, it was running almost full bore, and when I knocked on the front door, an elderly woman, not in the greatest of health, opened it. Off in the living room, I could see her husband sitting in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank and plastic tubing that ran up to his nose. The house was in rough shape…

I shut the water main and cut in a new ball valve in the basement, and then re-piped the new spigot. When I was done, they asked me how much they owed me, and I told them their son had taken care of it. I got a call from their son, who offered to pay, and I told him there was no charge. I was using it as a "pay-it-forward" thing, and I was more than happy to help out.

Another guy I knew heard the younger brother was shopping for a new car. The younger brother still lived at home with his parents, drove a beat-up old car, and had been saving up for a new car for a couple of years. The guy contacted him and told him he was currently working as a car salesman at a dealership on Route One in Norwood, and there was a brand new leftover four-door black sedan that was advertised for $22,000, but the boss wanted to sell it quickly and would take $16,000, but it had be cash. 

The kid had seen the black four-door sedan advertised for $22,000 in a local paper, and saving $6,000 for paying cash got the kid's attention. He was told that in order to even look at the car, the boss needed to see the $16,000 cash first. They arranged a time to meet at the dealership…

The black sedan was parked at an angle by Route One, about 50 yards from the showroom doors, when the kid pulled up. The salesman was wearing an expensive suit and a big smile, standing next to the car waiting. After shaking hands, he told the kid his boss wouldn't even give him the keys until he saw $16,000 in cash. The excited kid handed him a brown paper bag filled with cash… 

Mirrorpix. Getty Images.

The salesman said he'd go talk to his boss, and it might take 10-15 minutes to meet with him, discuss the sale, and get the keys. The kid hung out by the car and waited. When the salesman hadn't returned after 15 minutes, the kid got a little concerned. He waited another five minutes before heading for the showroom…

When he walked into the showroom, he asked another salesman where his salesman was, calling him by name. That salesman said he didn't know anybody by that name. When the kid insisted he was a salesman, a second salesman said he'd never heard of anyone by that name working there. Then the kid blurted out that he had handed the guy a paper bag filled with $16,000 for the black four-door sedan parked out front that was on sale. Both salesmen agreed that the four-door sedan wasn't on sale and that they never discounted their cars for cash…

Apparently, the salesman took the bag of cash, walked through the showroom, and out through the back door where his car was parked. Then, jumped into his car, left the dealership, and hit the highway laughing. It was way too easy…

The police were called, and the two parties ended up in front of a judge. The kid told his story, and the guy denied having anything to do with it. The judge looked at the kid and said, "I believe it happened just the way you said it did, but in a court of law you need hard evidence to prove a case. Who hands someone $16,000 cash without getting a receipt? Sorry kid, this case is dismissed for lack of evidence." And then he slammed his gavel…

After the trial, the wise guy boasted that he and his fellow hooligans were having a scam contest and that he won Best Scam… That night all the mobsters sat in a fancy restaurant eating, drinking, and laughing while he colorfully explained his car sales scam in great detail, after which he generously picked up the tab… 

The kid was home, sitting in the dark living room with his elderly parents, and he wasn't laughing. He was out $16,000, his life's savings…

I'm currently looking for a good used CUV or SUV for my son, and as soon as we make a purchase, I'll blog about my car-buying experience, which is already well underway…

Oh, I almost forgot to mention… I'm a highway star!

Nobody gonna take my car 

I'm gonna race it to the ground 

Nobody gonna beat my car 

It's gonna break the speed of sound

Oooh… it's a killin' machine 

It's got everything 

Like a driving power 

Big fat tires                                                                                             

And everything  

I love it 

I need it 

I bleed it 

Yeah, it's a wild hurricane 

Alright  

Hold tight

I'm a highway star…