Congratulations To The New "Cocaine Capital" Of The United States: Traverse City, Michigan. Wait What?

Metro Times - Michigan’s Traverse City is a tourist town primarily known as the “Cherry Capital” of the world. But a recent study makes the case that the little beachside burg can also claim the title of being the “Cocaine Capital” of the U.S.

That’s according to an online sports betting guide, which named Michigan’s Traverse City and Grand Rapids among the “the top 10 wildest cities in the U.S.” — ranking at No. 3 and No. 10, respectively.

To come up with its rankings, OLBG says it analyzed U.S. cities by factors including the prevalence of casinos, strip clubs, cannabis use, and cocaine use. The authors say they also cited county health rankings for self-reported binge drinking or heavy drinking, among others.

Traverse City was ranked No. 3 overall with a “wildness score” of 7.71 out of 10.

This is obviously laugh out loud funny whether you've ever been to Traverse City, Michigan or not. 

"Quaint" is the perfect term to describe the lake town. It's honestly one of the most beautiful summertime places I've ever been and I love anytime I get the opportunity to return. But not for the hookers and narcotics, no. Rather the many mom & pop ice cream shops, the sandy dune beaches, and the very underrated dining and restaurants it offers.

This is Traverse City.

Lighthouses and incredible sunsets.

Sailboats, cherry everything, and Petoskey stones

Definitely not yayo.

So how exactly did these people who conducted this "research" arrive at this result?

When it comes to cocaine use, Traverse City ranked No. 1, with 23.8% of its population of 15,675 having taken the drug, according to the study. Grand Rapids came in at No. 9, with 21.4% of its population of 195,911 using it.

Traverse City also ranked as the No. 1 U.S. city for cannabis use, with 65.8% of residents reporting using the sweet leaf, according to the study. Grand Rapids came in next at No. 2, with 65.4% of residents admitting to inhaling.

Traverse City also ranked No. 3 for strip clubs per 100,000 residents with its whopping two strip clubs (while Detroit clocked in at No. 8 with 5.63 clubs per 100,000 residents, or 35 clubs).

Again, I have to call bullshit and throw the flag.

Who the fuck is admitting to taking coke in Traverse City? I don't think those fine people of that northern Michigan (lower peninsula) town would tell you who they voted for or what denomination of Church they go to nevermind what party favors they've dabbled in. Nevermind 15,000 of them. So that's bullshit.

The weed thing I can see. You can't drive 100 yards in Michigan anymore without seeing a billboard for a cannabis store or an actual brick-and-mortar weed shop. They're everywhere. 

Also I was shocked to find out Traverse City had one never mind two strip clubs. Are they seasonal? Fully nude? Pasties? Do they close at 9pm like everything else in the town? So many questions.

Regardless, congratulations Traverse City, enjoy the award.

p.s.- here's the real one. shout out tim the toolman taylor