They Want Us To Eat Rocks, Chinese Street Vendors Are Grilling Rocks And Selling Them As Food

We've all learned the importance of eating an insect based diet, and have begun our worldwide transition away from dangerous world-ending meats. Bugs are fantastic sources of nutrients. 80% of their bug bodies are comprised of the proteins we need to grow big and strong. They're surprisingly iron rich as well. A single bug will do more good for your body than an entire pasture full of cows. And most importantly, for every bug we eat, we shave 1 year off-of global warming. 

"But John, I don't want to eat bugs because I'm not on Fear Factor"

And you never will be with an attitude like that.

"But John, bugs are gross."

Your mom is gross and I don't have a problem eating her

"Ok, sweet bit dude. I'm not going to eat bugs. That's fucking stupid."

"Then what about rocks?"

That's right. Rocks. It's the newest food craze that's sweeping the communist nation of China. And by, "sweeping the communist nation of China", I mean I found one video on Reddit. Street vendors are grilling rocks. We're eating rocks now. For the very reasonable price of 16 yuan, a man in a plain red hat will shovel some rocks around on a grill, mix em' up with some non-descripit Asian seasonings, and hand them to you in a fancy paper container for you to shovel down your throat.

Actually, that's incorrect. We're not really eating them, that would be insane. We're not seals or crocodiles who need to eat rocks to help with our digestive systems. We're human beings. As human beings, we simply suck the rocks. We give the rocks a good ol' fashioned suck. We suck the smooth pebbles dry... then... I think we just spit them in the trash. Or on the ground. Or I guess you could save the rocks as a souvenir. Or better yet, go home and season them again, then suck the rocks for a second time. You can do whatever you want with them. They're your rocks.

Just think of it like a hard candy. Except it won't dissolve in your mouth for about a billion years. So I guess hard candy isn't a great example. Think of them more like a penis. A penis is a better analogy. You suck and you suck until you've removed all of the delicious juices, then take it out of your mouth once you've gotten what you came for. 

The United States has a history of picking up trends that develop in the Chinese province of Hubei, so expect these suck rocks to hit the streets of a city near you any day now. Should be about 4-5 months until they've completely taken over the country, and change our way of life as we know it.