A Former Nick Saban Assistant's Wild 'Welcome to 'Bama' Moment Involved Police Escorts and Private Jets, Just to Make a Tee Time

Tracy Wilcox. Getty Images.

Whoever* said "Absolute power corrupts absolutely" was obvious never involved in coaching football. At least not at a program like Alabama's. And most assuredly not for the greatest college coach of all time, Nick Saban.

Going 280-69-1 in his career, winning 19 of his 30 bowl games, and capturing seven National Championships has given him what can only be described as absolutely absolute power in his home state. And he's only using it to do what all of us fallible lesser beings wish we could. Saban is the master of all he surveys. And if there was any doubt before, it was removed by this story from his former assistant Tyler Siskey:

Golf Digest - “We’re going to Kiva Dunes to play in a golf tournament and we have a staff meeting at 7:30 in Tuscaloosa,” Siskey said. “I figured, hey, we need to get out of this meeting at 10:15 at the latest or he’s going to be pissed because he’s going to be late for the golf tournament, the press conference, the whole deal. Kirby [Smart] comes to me and goes ‘Hey, look, you have your bag packed and you have it by your door. When he says it’s time to go, grab your bag and run to the parking lot.’ I’m going, ‘Are you serious?’ He’s like, ‘Yeah. You’ll understand. Trust me.’”

For those that are wondering, Kiva Dunes is a little less than a five-hour drive from Tuscaloosa. Or a 22-hour bike ride if you’re into that sort of thing.

Siskey continued: “At 10:57, one hour and three minutes before tee time in Gulf Shores, Alabama—for those that are listening that don’t understand the geography, that’s a long way away. [Saban] has his reading glasses on and takes the reading glasses off real nice and calmly and goes, ‘Alright boys. I told ‘em we wouldn’t be late. Let’s go.’ And when he said that, the room scattered like cockroaches with the light on. I mean, grown-ass men running down the hall and he never broke stride. He is as calm as day, just got up, went to the office and just starts walking down the hall. We get out there to the parking lot. There are two vans and a guy goes ‘Offense over here, defense over here.’

“They had a police escort that got us through town that took us straight on the runway. There were two jets cranked up. Not on the taxiway, on the actual runway. We got on, 23 minutes later we landed in Gulf Shore … I hit my first golf ball at 11:57, sixty minutes exactly from sitting in the staff room to hitting my first golf ball.”

Now, some might argue that this is a terrible waste of public resources, reflecting a misplaced set of priorities of two police departments and the airport. And to you I say, who hurt you? Why do you hate happiness? And 

Suck it up, daffodil. We live in a world of hierarchies. For thousands of years, this is kind of treatment enjoyed by monarchs. Conquerers. Great generals. Men who gathered unto them all that was theirs. In today's world, we reserve such exercise of power for our modern rulers of empires: Football coaches. But just the mighty few. And Nick Saban is the King of Football Kings. 

Let's be honest with ourselves. All Saban did here was what any of us would do, if only we could. And you have to admire the way he calmly and casually let the meeting go to the very last second, knowing full well they'd still make their tee times. 

Hell, he probably had assistants to trial runs. Take film of the journey and break it down for him. Work up computer simulations. Work out the finer points on the white board for him. Just so that he could extend the meeting to add one more wrinkle to that week's game plan. Another disguised coverage. Another dummy call. Just so he could lazily meander toward the vans while his staff was in panic. And project that Big Dick Energy even more effectively. Because that's the kind of air of confidence that makes you want to follow a man into battle. 

There's a line from Patton that was actually taken from a contemporary Time magazine profile of Ol' Blood & Guts. From early in the movie where the Moroccan minister says of him, "The lions in their dens tremble at his approach." Saban has an entire state making sure he's treated with the same awe and respect. So that he and his assistants can make a five hour journey to the course in an hour. And all the authority in Alabama will gladly bend to his will to see that he's teeing off on time. Just to give the Crimson Tide that much more of an advantage on Saturday. 

That, is absolutely absolute power. And if you can't admire a man exercising it, I have nothing for you but pity. 

Hail Saban.

(*It was Lord Acton, but working him into the sentence wouldn't interrupted the flow.)