From Lobster Valet Boy To Failed Drone Operator: Barstool's Nick Fasoli Is The Shame Of Cape Cod
Cape Cod, MA-
Bourne, Massachusetts is a small, humble town at the start of Cape Cod. Over the years, Bourne has proudly claimed a number of success stories: from NFL linebacker Peter Cronan to meatpacking tycoon Gustavus Franklin Swift. Sadly, although we Bournians hang our hats on these exemplary citizens, we must acknowledge our abject failures on the other side of the spectrum. For try as we might to hide them, these losers comprise a tragic stain on the fabric of our Bourne Identity.
Meet Nick Fasoli.
Bourne and bred, through and through, you might once have been mistaken for thinking Fasoli was headed somewhere. He held the keys to the world in his palm for six years as a valet at Bourne's prestigious Lobster Trap—a restaurant possessing 4.6 stars from the notoriously hard-to-please Google reviewers. The path from parking lot to working indoors seemed certain for young Fasoli, and his former boss said the same.
"He was always smiling. You couldn't get him to stop smiling. It bothered children especially, and some parents would call ahead to make sure another guy took their keys. But he kept his Lobster Trap polo shirt tucked in to his Banana Republic khakis, and frankly after five years, we just didn't have the heart to tell him to leave. You figure most people won't want to work valet for the bulk of a decade. But he kept showing up."
Sadly, Fasoli's fall from grace began when he took a job at the largest media company in the United States—Barstool Sports. Our editors fact-checked this claim but in the interest of keeping Fasoli's brain in whatever Candyland he inhabits, we'll leave it his way. Leaving behind the salty docks and New England tides of Bourne, Fasoli set out for New York City armed with a couple packs of AA batteries for whatever drone joystick they wanted him to play with. In the history of the town, no one so young had ever taken a bigger risk, worked harder to escape the clutches of our ruinous, dangerous streets, than Fasoli.
"When he left, I knew we'd seen him for the last time," said a dishwasher at the Lobster Trap who used to huff turpentine with Fasoli during breaks. "He said 'hasta la vista' to me, even though I don't speak Spanish. He was always speaking Spanish to me because of my job. I'm from Warsaw. And I actually made a lot more money than he did because he was constantly backing cars into lamps and hedges."
In the years since, Fasoli has offered a hand in editing some one-hundred to one-thousand videos for Barstool Sports. We reached out to him for comment, but he was busy "droning" in Alaska. Clearly, the job has gone to his head as he used the simple verb form for operating a drone—a linguistic choice commonly used by those who work with drones, but not said by anyone else. It's a bit like when players on intercollegiate ultimate frisbee teams try to lend legitimacy to their "sport" by calling it "ultimate" instead of "ultimate frisbee."
When asked for an evaluation of his employee, Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said of Fasoli:
"Who?"