The Cleveland Browns, A Team With An Orange Helmet As A Logo, Just Unveiled A Sick New White Alternate Helmet

Now this right here is some uni porn. It may not seem like a huge deal to you that the Browns just unveiled a new white helmet, but you have to remember that the orange helmet, which represents a team called "The Browns", is the primary logo of the entire franchise. So unveiling a white helmet for a team called "The Browns" that has a primary logo of an orange helmet, is almost as big of a deal as it is confusing.

For years the olds have screamed at clouds that the helmet was sacred and could not be changed. They yelled about the uniforms from their rocking chair on their porch to any children that might have been passing by.

"Color rush? Your parents will be color rushing you to the hospital if you don't get off my God damn lawn!"

Well finally the Browns have stepped out of the stone age and entered the modern day NFL. Not only do they have a team that is expected to complete this season (over/under on wins is set at 9.5 on the Barstool Sportsbook) but they now have a uni combo which has to be a top 10 in the league. These are straight up sex.

I just hope none of our guys eat Skyline Chili before the game in Cincy otherwise they might be unveiling a new color rush uniform that features a brown streak down the asscrack. Then again these are presented by Dude Wipes so even a little stray chili shart juice couldn't sully these fire ass unis. 

The irony that Dude Wipes is the sponsor of the new alternate uniforms of a team that has played like shit for a quarter century is not lost on me. I can't think of a more apropos sponsorship deal honestly. This would be like a heat burn medication sponsoring Lowering The Bar or a CBD company sponsoring Frank The Tank. Just genius marketing right there. 

And speaking of turds, no more trying to convince ourselves that a uniform combo that looks like a bunch of lunch logs became sentient and decided to start a football franchise is cool. All white is cool. All brown is well, I mean just look at it…

Look good, play good. That's what the fellas always say. So it's really not a surprise that the Browns lead the NFL in losses since 2000, according to Statmuse. 

It has nothing to do with incompetent ownership, drafting guys like Justin Gilbert and Johnny Manziel in the same first round, hiring coaches like Freddie Kitchens, and generally just being a doormat in their own division. No, the Browns have sucked to epic proportions because they didn't have sick alternate uniforms. 

I mean just look at college teams like Oregon and Cincinnati. I don't remember them being any good before they had dope ass uniforms. It's hard to whoop another man's ass in hand-to-hand combat when you aren't feeling sexy. You gotta have on a fit that slays if you want to destroy another man's will to compete.

I'm hyped to see these things on the field in meaningful football games come December. Because that's how low the bar is in Cleveland. Please just be playing for something…anything during the last month of the season. And if you are going to make me sit in 10 degree weather to watch a 4 win football team you better at least look fucking cool.

Mission accomplished. 

For more in depth color analysis follow me @WillBurge