It's Too Hard To Speak Your Mind

If you didn’t like me before, I can’t promise you’ll like me by the end of this blog, but I need somewhere to put all of these thoughts. I figured, why not the website of the company I work for, that allows me to do exactly that, with little to no restrictions? Maybe it’ll spark a discussion, maybe it’ll make people think a little more, maybe we’ll all feel like introspective geniuses by the end. Or, maybe everyone will think I’m an asshole, which isn’t any different from my day to day. Feels like a win-win. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and how my opinions on the world, people, and myself have changed over time. I think my baseline has always been the same, but over the years I’ve definitely started caring more or less about issues that never really felt like they concerned me before. Apart from the obvious never ending, circling doom that is ‘the internet’ as a whole, a very relevant example is this: I used to care so, SO fucking much about being liked by the boys. 

To be clear, I care very much about what everyone thinks of me and I want to be liked by everyone. But, primarily, I wanted to make sure the boys liked me. Then, and only then, did I feel legitimized. Never once did I question why that was - dudes rock! Guys know what’s good! It’s easy to get girls to like you, it’s a challenge to get the boys to see you on the same plane. I let myself think that I succeeded a lot of the time. So much so, that I take a lot of pride in making the men at Barstool like me enough to hire me. For YEARS I cared about that, and I honestly think it could’ve been just as big of a factor in me wanting to work here, as actually being a part of the brand and company. I wanted to win. 

And, I did! I won! I’m writing for this website, I’m filming commercials, I’ve been given a handful of podcasts and opportunities. I needed, and received, that stamp of approval. My offer letter felt like the physical manifestation of “she’s cool guys, yea she’s a chick, but I swear she’s cool.” Every girl’s dream! The problem now, or what it seems to be, is that I feel comfortable. Comfortable enough to speak my mind when it might feel unpopular, comfortable enough to have awkward conversations with people I blur the lines with socially and professionally. Comfortable enough to have…stopped caring what the boys think.

I listened to all the guy podcasts. I learned all the bro jokes. I even have a few sports references that I throw in to make them feel like I’ve been listening an absorbing them all along. After feeling like I’ve conquered men and all their secrets, things changed. It became too easy. Guys are very, very easy to manipulate. Nobody wants to hear that, but it’s true! Women are witches! You do what we say and you don’t even realize it! 

What they don’t tell you on this journey of “discovering men,” is that sometimes you accidentally get lost. You cross over the line into being “for the boys,” which of course means, you are no longer for the girls. It stops being easy to get the girls to like you. When you’re a girl, the worst insult you can say about another girl is that she isn’t, “for the girls.” That is a BAD place to be. I noticed myself slipping away, lost in the sauce, forgetting where my allegiances really lie - with the people who actually, sort of know what it’s like to be me. I’m Team Woman. I have their backs automatically, even they are shitty, in the same way that men have each other’s backs when they fuck up. It’s just what we do. 

However, what about the girls who are definitely for the girls, but they ride with the boys too? The girls who don’t want to take anything too seriously, not trying to make any waves, keeping it neutral. Why is it bad to be neutral? I think this is situational. Kind of like a, “see something, say something” basis. Some people may see something that others do not, and point it out to those who don’t. If they still don’t, that should be fine. They aren’t you! But I have personally reached a point in my life where I feel comfortable taking the brunt of it. I’ll say something, I’ll get the hate for it, because I know that I felt like it needed to be said. Not every girl should feel like they have that responsibility, and that’s totally fine. 

But, sigh, what about the boys? I know we want to, but we can’t ignore them either. We can’t dismiss EVERYTHING they say, or read into every single statement, because we’d go insane. They aren't all bad guys. I can argue about female representation in media and culture and the need to taken seriously until I’m blue in the face, and it’ll be heard, but it won’t be understood. It can’t be understood by those who don’t understand, and that’s that. 

Now, we’re both in a pickle. The girls want to prop up the girls! The boys don’t want to be forgotten about, and they still want their voices heard! The boys, maybe…want to be for the girls? But how can they be, if they’re for the boys? Around and around we go.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say my passions were influenced by the internet and the reactions I see. I’m worried that we all just tell ourselves, “that’s the vocal minority! People in the real world aren’t as online as you!” True. But, wouldn’t it feel better if the people who WERE online, made you feel a little more confident about the state of opinions, or the general mood around “supporting women?” Would it hurt to nudge people in that direction, instead of handing them a book of matches and watching them set fire to Gloria Steinam’s greatest works?

Now, what could’ve happened to me? I wisened up? I started getting tired of over explaining my thoughts, or fake laughing at the same 5 “lol women” jokes that are made every day? I love to laugh at myself, and women as a whole. I love to laugh at men! I don’t laugh when it isn’t funny, or it’s boring and ignorant. If you’re going to make jokes, be creative about it. People like how blunt and honest I am. At least, the people who matter to me, tell me that all the time. When you get tired of the same jokes, over and over again, you get labeled “lame” or “soft.” This applies to everyone. It’s not that we “don’t get the joke,” it’s that we don’t think it’s funny. Which sounds an awful lot like a few movie opinions flying around in the streets. Using that example? I understand how that feels. Would I use that example to describe how I feel about a movie that I wasn’t the target audience for? No, because then it sounds like I’m sick of it, and that’s not the message I’m trying to send, or the example I’m trying to set. 

Now we’re back at square one. Because I have opened my eyes, and I am firmly for the girls, am I no longer for the boys? Are the boys pissed? So pissed, that they won’t like me anymore? They don’t want to have open conversations with me that might get a little uncomfortable for them? Did it feel too serious? What’s wrong with being serious? What’s wrong with being TAKEN seriously?

….Do I care what they think anymore?

And here I am now, wondering, where do I direct my feelings? At people who thought I was ONLY one thing, and were stunned to find out I was also something else? The people who I tricked, knowing what they wanted to hear and exactly how to fit in, before the call started coming from inside the house? That doesn’t seem fair either. Why is it so hard to be both a good-time-gal, and someone who will take every bitch on her back and carry them straight to BarbieLand? 

As long as I can remember, I wanted to work at Barstool. Like I said before, I won. I’m here. But, why did I want to be a part of this so badly? Surely it wasn’t ONLY to be considered cool with the guys. There has to be reason bigger than myself that keeps me here and motivated. The audience is good, the people are good…I want it to be better. I want everyone here, listening, reading, watching, to be fucking awesome. I want to share every thought I have, every thing I’ve learned, with everyone. I even got mad at the Mean Girls, GIRLS! for sending what I felt was the wrong message, and the boys had my back then. Interesting. All I know, is I want to make a difference, in my own way.

I also want to be angry with “men,” but I’m even getting tired of that. People are different. I think “empathy” is what we’re looking for, but that looks different to everyone, too. If all you can give me is some half ass acknowledgment of a feminist message? Fine. If you want to join in on the fun and get girly and silly with us? That’s great too. I can’t control people, I can’t control their views on things, but I know that I feel better having expressed mine. 

For the boys: