Power Ranking Every Person Who Ate Shit Trying To Walk Down This Muddy Hill At Lollapalooza
Sometimes in life you are called upon by a higher power. Some kind of divine energy that guides you towards your true purpose. One that let's know you, "this is exactly why I was put on Earth."
This morning when I saw the video from Barstool Backstage of all the people eating shit as they tried to traverse this muddy hill at Lollapalooza, I knew this was that moment for me. This is why I was meant to exist.
Before we get to the power rankings, let's just acknowledge what an awful situation these people are in. I'm going to assume there is not a better way around this hill and that this slick, mud covered incline is the only way to a stage where all your friends are waiting for you so they can do the bag of molly they found on the ground. There is only one thing to to do in this situation: Test your balance against the forces of nature while risking looking like you pooped your pants all day if you fall.
Just a putrid risk/reward ratio. So to the brave souls who attempted to negotiate this Double Dare ass hill in their best festival attire while holding $17 beers, thank you for your service.
Honorable Mention (Didn't Fall)
Girl who hangs onto the tree
Just lightening quick reflexes grabbing that tree. A perfect example "by any means necessary." This girl is in massive danger of looking like she took a dump all over herself in her cute little white/pink outfit. She figured she would look cute and maybe find herself a festival bae, end the summer on a positive note. But what she nearly found was a look that could only be described as "someone tipped over the port-o-potty with me in it."
But her will was too strong. She will not be defeated by mother nature. Well done.
Dude dancing on the hill
This guy is an absolute legend. He gyrates in the face of danger. While everyone else struggles to keep their balance he is hitting the Dougie on fools mid-hill.
At first I thought he had to have some kind of hiking boots on to execute this impossible feat but no, those just look like knock off Chuck Taylors. The kind you buy from an IG ad with zero worry that you might be getting ripped off by some Chinese knock-off website. This man likes to live dangerously and on this day it paid off.
The Shit Eaters (The Ones Who Fell)
10. Girl who almost brings down her friend
I get it. You're wearing white. The mud is brown. Your fun day at the festival is flashing before your very eyes. But you can't reach for a friend and bring them down too. This isn't a team game. It's every man and woman for themselves on this god forsaken hill and we don't need this girl in her bootleg Coachella outfit doubling the casualties in her crew.
Fall with some dignity young lady.
9. Guy who tries to switch to goofy foot mid slide
While I give this guy credit for staying up as long as he did, he made a grave mistake mid-slide. He tried to switch to goofy foot (right foot forward) and lost control of his body.
Anyone who has ever snowboarded knows that on the most dangerous hills you stay with your strong foot forward. And you never try and switch with your back to the bottom of the hill. No need to be a hero here. The only goofy thing you needed was that dumb ass Raiden from Mortal Kombat hat. Flawless victory for the hill.
8. Tj Hitchings looking dude in bucket hat
I have no idea if TJ Hitchings was at Lollapalooza but if he was I'm convinced this is him. I have nothing else to work off except body type and bucket hat but I'm convinced nonetheless.
Whoever it was you can't be arrogant when the hill is this angry. This guy stopped mid-hill to have a chat and you just know that pissed the hill off. There are no pleasantries when the hill is snatching ACLs like it was on this day. You stop to chat, the hill puts you on your back. Thems the rules.
7. Guy in the bandana who took a knee
I don't even think this guy fell from the mud. I think he got into the bag of molly I mentioned earlier and the entire world felt like it was rotating below his feet like one of those funhouse tubes. He was a good sport about it and he didn't lose his beer. Well done, sir.
6. Girl who tries to look cute only to turn into something from The Exorcist
One of the worst things you can do is try to look cute or cool when the hill decides to take you as its next victim. You will only piss the hill off further. And once that happens you will end up looking like one of those characters in a horror movie that walks on all fours with its head backwards.
Just look at that right arm hyperextended all the way behind her body. Hope she has a good chiropractor.
Now the hill has old girl walking like that scene out of The Exorcist the rest of the way to the bottom.
BRUISED TAILBONE TIER
Three-way Tie for 5th: Girl in the Chucks who went for speed
Speed is never the way to approach these situations. This girl had a running start and ate shit so hard the people at the Dubstep stage started headbanging.
Three-way Tie for 5th: Girl in black who gets MAJOR airtime
While I feel bad for this girl, who I really feel bad for is her friends. She is going to be complaining that her tailbone hurts like a motherfucker the entire time her girls are trying to listen to Lil Yachty. We get it Sarah, the hill hit you with the spirit of the holy ghost. Don't ruin everyone else's night too.
Three-way Tie for 5th: Dude in purple shirt losing two beers
Pain. This is a huge L all around for ol' buddy. That was like $35 worth of beer that just became a victim to the hill. Not to mention the shit streaks down his back (partly mud and partly shit from him crapping himself due to the force of the collision with the ground) and this is how you have an entire day ruined.
He also has white shoes on which is a huge no-no at a festival. Rookie move.
4. Dude in yellow shirt face down in the mud
What's worse than mud up your entire back? How about mud so deep in your nostrils it'll take a whole nother' allergy season to sneeze all of it out. Gotta love that he came up with a smile on his face because I would have came up swinging.
Just me repeated hulk smashing the mud around me trying to exact revenge on a slippery, dirt covered incline like a lunatic. Bless this dude for taking that beating in stride.
Hero Tier
3. Grey tank top dude who falls and then slides
First things first: Way to have your priorities straight my guy. He sacrificed body and face to keep the beer in tact. That's what legends are made of. And had he stopped there it would have been impressive but what he did next is why he is sitting at #3.
He said fuck it. I'm already muddy, my pride is already gone, no need to lose a perfectly good beer in the process. I'll just slide the rest of the way down.
This is how you earn the hill's respect. It put you down there, might as well enjoy the ride the rest of the way.
2. Kid who just give up
I absolutely love this kid. He's seething at the fact his balance was snatched away by the hill. He's so mad his head-to-toe minty fresh outfit just got shit streaked to bejesus. But instead of fighting back he just gives up.
I live here now. Go on without me. The middle of the hill is where I belong. Be sure to tell my mother I love her and submit a change of address form for me when you get home. I am now one with the hill. It is my master.
1. Chicago jersey guy saves both beers mid slide
The level of difficulty on this move is insane. Get this guy in the olympics. He eats shit, drops both beers, and then recovers them before they are gone MID SLIDE. That's called putting your purpose above yourself.
He knows how much those beers cost and he knows he is already covered in mud. Might as well pull off an expert-level move and become a legend in the process. This is a man who rises to the occasion. Well done my guy, you have earned my respect but more importantly the hill's respect.
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