'Matthew Judon Blames Mac Miller's Death on Ariana Grande' is the Headline I Never Expected to Write

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When you're dealing with the most significant franchise of the 21st century in a sport that has grown to become the center of American life, it should come as no surprise when the Patriots bleed over into the larger culture. Over the last 23 years this team has been mentioned in everything from congressional hearings to The Simpsons, federal court cases to Family Guy, network newscasts to SNL. 

The Pats are indelibly tattooed onto all aspects of the zeitgeist of our times. So it's no wonder when we've got the greatest coach of all time commenting on the biggest musical star of her generation. 

Where it starts to get strange though, is when the best player on the current roster, who is rapidly coming into contention for the title of Best Free Agent Signing Bill Belichick has ever made accuses another mega pop star of being responsible for her ex-boyfriend's death:

And as you'd imagine, Matthew Judon hasn't exactly captured the hearts and minds of the internet with this molten lava take. Certainly not the ones of a future Hall of Famer:

Or anyone else, it appears:

Look, I'm not here to judge Judon for this. I'm certainly not an authority on Mac Miller or Ariana Grande's dating relationships. I wasn't paying attention when all this went down and my musical tastes run more toward Steely Dan. My only dog in this fight is to see that Judon's red sleeves meet around the backs of Josh Allen and Aaron Rodgers as many times as possible this year. For all I know, he's done the research, looked at the forensics and timeline, and can back up his claims like a good true crime podcaster. Either way, I'm not concerned with his theories as to what drove Miller to the grave or what the 1s and 0s on Twitter think of him as long as he gets us back into the playoffs. 

What does interest me is how this is further proof that we live in the bizarrest (probably not a word but I'm going to make it happen) of timelines. Belichick professing himself to be a Swiftie. Judon clapping at Ariana Grande. I mean, who could've seen this coming? That once social media became a thing and everyone had access to it in their pocket 24 hours a day, that it would lead to the most cautious, buttoned up, image-conscious team in the NFL weighing in on female pop idols lives and careers. As far as I know, Paul Brown didn't express a lot of thoughts about the relative toughness of Connie Francis vs. Roy Orbison. And Ray Nitschke didn't have strong opinions about what really killed Buddy Holly.  And yet this is our reality. 

There's a theory called The Boltzmann Brain. Named after Austrian physicist Ludwig Boltzmann, who pointed out that due to the laws of thermodynamics, systems are expected to fall apart over time, not get more orderly and structured. Thereforeit is more likely that the universe is a hallucination that it actually exists. That in the year 10x10x68 - a double exponetial - random motion of particles could form a brain and recreate actual thought. And our thoughts are just manifestations of that vast cosmic brain and we are not real. It's more probable than the coaching GOAT listening to "Blank Space" and a Pro Bowl defensive end going after the singer of "Yours Truly." 

If you've got a better theory, I'm all ears.