Best Of 2023 - Power Ranking The Characters From The Dragon Pizza Review
Every so often, when Dave Portnoy takes a single solitary bite from a slice of pizza and grades it, something happens where a collection of absolute characters appear out of nowhere to make internet magic. This happened five years ago at the Joe & Pat's pizza review.
I don't know if it was the Content Gods smiling down on Dave after becoming the big dog here at Barstool again or just a delightful coincidence. But we had another banger of a review full of nutjobs to varying degrees.
Dead Last. Dragon Pizza Guy
Look, there are many things you can call Dave Portnoy. Business people call him a mogul. Barstool employees call him honest. He calls himself a self-made millionaire big brained genius with a chocolate chip cookie tan that has saved the lives of every person that works for him (Dave's extremely humble).
But the one thing you can't call Dave Portnoy is an enemy of small businesses considering he raised a bazillion dollars for them as our government had its head up its ass during the pandemic and seemingly every pizza place he gives even a decent review to has a huge surge in customers. If you can't get a good score because your pizza stinks, that's your pizza's problem. If anything, a bad review should send you back to the drawing board because Dave even admitted in that review that he has been grading on a curve lately to help out businesses.
However the one way your business can take a hit from a One Bite Pizza review is if you are captured on camera acting like a complete dickhead to Dave without any real reason except saying you don't like him and you read a hit piece about him that has had more holes poked into it than Swiss cheese. Now poor Dragon Pizza is taking shrapnel on the internet from all over the globe.
Pissing off a bunch of people across the internet and going to war with someone that is a local celebrity is about the worst business move you can pull in 2023. In fact that's ironically the way to fuck up your own small business.
To borrow a phrase from our fearless leader: What an idiot. What a fucking idiot.
That being said, I do respect unloading a grudge and calling out someone you hate to the point that you sewered your own well-being, took countless L's on a viral video, and couldn't even get a W on your own Instagram post because of your shaky ass hand.
As a Star Warrior, I rebuke this guy for pulling this nonsense with a Star Wars shirt on, even though I can pretty much guarantee he's one of those mamalukes that thinks Rian Johnson crushed The Last Jedi and he thinks it's the best movie in the trilogy of trilogies.
And as the Dragon guy here at Barstool, let me say if I ever see this bozo, I'll be dragon my nuts on his forehead. Not for what he said to my boss or for being the epitome of a Hardo. But for apparently being too heavy handed with the parm which wasted God knows how much great cheese and ruined countless pizzas because of it. If you name your store Dragon Pizza, you have to (pardon the pun) drop nothing but fire. That was clearly not the case as the 6.4 score shows.
4. Air Pod Flip Out Guy
This dad freaking out at the sight of Dave, stumbling, then losing an Air Pod was such a lowkey hilarious moment. I GUARANTEE Portnoy made sure that this dude would be in the final cut of the video because Dave loooooooooves shit like that.
It may have been a brutal look for my fellow dad here but at least he has a sweet ass Hawaiian Punch shirt his wife bought him with their Kohl's Cash.
3. Ride Or Die Pizza Lady
It's always nice to have a friendly face when you are in a Fuck You Off with some screaming lunatic and I always love a rando grabs a slice during a One Bite video then weighs in with their review. But this girl also gave us an alternate angle of the fracas which made me LOL.
Also while she may not have been as ride or die as this other girl because she didn’t want to get her company in trouble (which probably would’ve helped their cause a ton instead) but I also had to shout out the woman who brought the receipts of Dave actually helping a restaurant with the Barstool Fund
2. The Bossman
Seeing Dave brush off an attempted ambush by that angry little man and then dominate him with a mix of fuck yous, fat jokes, a sprinkling of logic and a smattering of chirps like the one above made me feel great as both a longtime fan of Barstool as well as an employee of Barstool that is thrilled to have Dave back in the fold again. Even though we don't need to see it, it's still nice to know that Pedro can still throw 99 on the black when he wants to. Not only in terms of making content but also making merch from said content.
It also has to be acknowledged just how good Dave is at giving a rando his attention on the street, taking a selfie, then seamlessly moving along to the next one without the person feeling like he is blowing them off. I saw him pose with roughly 852,481,966 people during our half day at Disney and the way he was able to handle the hordes of people that came up to him may be the most impressive thing I've ever seen him do, which includes selling his company for around $600 million then getting it back for a buck.
1. Dom Of The Year
At first I thought m our pal Dom was going for a Blake of the Year joke that obviously Dave didn't get because he doesn't understand any Barstool joke that doesn't come from his brand. But it turns out it’s just a happy coincidence.
Nonetheless, Dom bobbing and weaving in and out of this video then picking up where he left off was incredible.
Dom of the Year isn't exactly a foxhole guy considering he didn't have Dave's back once during his exchange with Dragon Boy despite being a former employee. And I don't know if he is truly a diehard Stoolie considering he doesn't know Dave's Instagram handle. But when you are the current number 1 ranked person for an entire name, you don't have to concern yourself with the day-to-day lives of mere mortals.
I also feel like I have to put Dom of the Year number 1 because I feel like he would've been able to parlay this appearance in the video into a full-time job if we still had the bottomless pockets of PENN paying the bills around here. But since that is no longer the case, he'll have to settle for the number 1 spot in a power rankings on Barstool Sports and trending in the wake of Dave.