TOO FAT TO FALL

To honor Dana B's recent utter failure on Barstool's Most Dangerous Gameshow, I decided to write a blog to tell you about what was probably the worst wake-up call for a fat person.

For those not following the show, shame on you.  But to recap- Dana Beers is a jovial young man who makes a living here at Barstool by traveling around the country and spreading good cheer with random people through the magic of alcohol.

I just did a trip with Dana to Talladega earlier this year… We were rippin' darts and yuggin' brews.  And, from my perspective, he is a LOVELY person who enjoys life to the fullest.  Unfortunately, that enjoyment has come at a price.  Dana apparently has added a few too many "party-pounds" to his otherwise muscular frame, and his weight gain was put on a very public platform when the people at Most Dangerous deemed him too fat to fall out of a plane.

Since that sobering verdict, Dana has vowed to get in shape at least to a point where he can fit under a standard parachute.

That whole unfortunate event got me thinking… What is the worst wake-up call a fat person has ever gotten to turn their corpulent and bloated ship around?  And with very little digging, I believe I found the answer way back in 2009.

Perhaps this is an urban myth, but I don't care… A Kansas woman named Carolyn Ragan had a tumor on her spine and was sent to the hospital to have an MRI performed.  Once she arrived for her scheduled scan, the hospital authorities asked the 5-foot tall, 275-pound fireplug to get her MRI done in a zoo instead, as she was too big to fit in the MRI machine.

The AGE. Getty Images.

So, in the span of a couple of hours, Carolyn Ragan was given the terrible news that her spine had a tumor on it and then told that she was also TOO FAT TO SCAN.

What happened to Carolyn?… I am not sure.  But I'd like to think she was taken to the zoo and carefully placed on an MRI table covered in hay where doctors quickly found out her tumor was benign and easily removed.  I'd also like to believe Carolyn then went on a strict regimen of diet and exercise, and now makes millions off of perverts like Glenny Balls with her reasonably priced OnlyFans page under the stage name Alysia Magen.

Not to be hypocritical, but some people might also deem my 6'5" 310-pound well-upholstered frame as somewhat blubbery.  Luckily, I have never been put into such a humiliating position as Dana and/or Carolyn.  For example, it's not like the most recognizable name in NASCAR was behind the wheel while of a stock car while his pit crew tried UNSUCCESSFULLY to cram me into the passenger seat alongside him.

Because THAT would be the most pathetic wake-up call of all.

Take a report.

-Large

The NASCAR Playoffs start this weekend, so Spider and my fat ass break down the whole field on this week's Rubbin' Is Racing…

TAR

-L