When did Halloween become for the parents?

Perhaps it’s been this way for a lot longer, but I moved to the suburbs of Northern New Jersey from a slightly more urban setting on the South side of Brooklyn in 2002, and I noticed a trend develop about 10 years ago. Maybe you’ve noticed it also.

Growing up, and through most of my adulthood, it seemed that Halloween was a holiday for the kids. Sure, there have always been adult Halloween parties where people dress up and get over-served while “Monster Mash” is playing on a continuous loop in the background. 

And Spanish TV stations have never disappointed by putting on programming that brings out the inner-slut (respectfully… no slut-shame here) in their on-air evening "personalities".

But the daytime and early evenings of October 31st were reserved for kids wandering around the neighborhood going door-to-door looking for free treats.

Parents of toddlers either kept them indoors or pushed them around in a stroller while their slightly older siblings were chaperoned around the block. Then, once a kid turned 7 or 8, he was left to go Trick or Treating either by himself or with a posse of friends while his parents stayed at home and dealt out candy to neighborhood kids.

But then it all changed. Parents couldn’t stand seeing kids have all the fun, so they now fill up their giant Coleman insulated mugs with Tito’s-and-whatever and escort their full-grown kids around the neighborhood with packs of other parents doing the same thing. It becomes a boozy affair and a perfect opportunity for “helicopter parents” to pilot their choppers even closer to their children.

It’s important to note that I am talking about the suburbs here… If you live in a more dangerous neighborhood, then I certainly understand the idea of playing bodyguard for your child as they Trick or Treat while bullets are whizzing by.

But I live in a neighborhood that doesn’t have a daily Police Blotter, and for the most part, kids are safe to stay local and beg for candy without a chaperone in tow.

Now, is this just another blog where an old man yells at the sky about meaningless things that are beyond his control?

Yes… But there’s something more.

The HUNDREDS of local parents who are traveling around on Halloween with kids who are old enough to drive are shirking their responsibilities towards other kids… Namely, they are not at home giving out candy. 

Some leave a basket filled with fun-sized Snickers alongside an ignored TAKE ONE PLEASE sign, but that’s not the same thing. The thrill for kids is to knock on a stranger’s door and see who is inside. To interact with another human being. To say, “Trick or Treat!” and maybe throw in a “Please” or “Thank you” as well.

You can’t do that with a basket, and instead of providing the experience you want your own kids to have at neighboring houses, you don your finest “THIS T-SHIRT IS MY COSTUME” and pack a cooler filled with alcoholic goodies for you and other ladies from your yoga class… I urge any kids reading this to ignore the “TAKE ONE” sign and absolutely wipe out every basket they come across.

So with all the parents unnecessarily wandering the streets with wagons filled with booze and kids who don’t need (or want) their company, whose responsibility is it to actually be at home to provide a human face for kids to interact with?

Apparently, it’s me… Me and other parents with kids who (after a 12 or 13-year run) aged out of the whole Trick or Treat nonsense, and no longer have a costumed horse in the race.

I’m the one who has to NOT take the easy way out with some bullshit basket.

I’m the one who doesn’t get bombed with their friends while their 10-year-olds ask people like me for candy.

And I think I’m done with it.

So this year, I am still going to get a little candy to cater to that first wave of youngsters who actually need supervision and need to have that Halloween experience… After that, I plan on shutting it down once the sun starts to set.

I’m gonna turn off all my lights, turn on all my sprinklers, and leave no basket for the unnecessarily pampered kids with half-cocked parents following along.

My dogs are small but loud, and I’ll pen them just inside my front door, so any kids who still want to ring my bell will be rewarded with barks and snarls instead of chocolates and Skittles.

There will be no cars in my driveway because they’ll both be parked outside of MacMurphy’s Pub, where the bride and I will be enjoying a couple of beers (responsibly) and one of the best French onion soups in the Tri-State area.

Saturdays Are For The Boys and Halloween Is For The Kids… So "Happy Halloween" to some, and the rest of you can go fuck yourselves.

Take a report.

-Large