This Might Be An Unhealthy Debate

Large11/02/2023 4:50 PM

I posted a blog last week outlining how yoga has become part of my new health "journey."

("Namaste, motherfucker.")

By the way, everything is a fucking journey nowadays… Be it your "weight-loss journey," your "journey towards sobriety," or even your "journey to find the perfect pair of socks." I assume that is because most people relate the word "journey" to something important or perhaps solemn… You make a trip to the grocery store, but a journey to the heart of a jungle.

I associate the word "journey" with a singer in a smokey room, the smell of wine, and cheap perfuuuuume.

Giphy Images.

Either way, I mentioned yoga, and I jokingly said the endgame with my yoga journey was to get flexible enough to blow myself.

I didn't get a chance to read any of the comments in the actual Comment Section of the blog, but after promoting it on social media, at least a dozen people reached out to me on either Twitter or Instagram DMs telling me that even thinking about sucking my own dick makes me gay. And instead of going back at them in my DMs, I decided to collect my thoughts on my possible new-found homosexuality in another blog.

So let's discuss.

Before we do… First off, I am not implying that being gay is a negative. Love is love, and if you find someone that will allow you to consensually enter them through any hole on their body you find fuckable, then have at it.

Secondly, I was kidding… I do not go to yoga in hopes of gaining extreme spinal flexibility. I go because these old joints can benefit from stretching and these old lungs could use some restorative breathing techniques. I don't pay attention to any of the talk about chakras or spiritual benefits that seem to permeate through the classes. I am just there so my body isn't as sore when I step out of bed every morning.

But, for the sake of this argument, let's make some assumptions…

1) Let's just assume I stick with yoga, and by chance, I do gain the ability to place my face in my own lap… A "superpower" that would allow me to dabble in a little oral self-gratification.

2) And again, let's just assume I use that superpower every now and again.

Does that make me gay?

Immediately, my unbridled heterosexuality answers "NO!"… But I also think that NO comes with its own set of rules…

RULE #1- If you self-fellate and want it to be non-gay, you have to fantasize about something that is NOT gay while performing the act… It's tough to justify your straightness if you're sucking yourself off while Magnum PI is playing on a continuous loop in the background.

and

RULE #2- Don't swallow.

Following those two guidelines would then put my newfound parlor trick into the realm of simple hetero masturbation… No one ever argues masturbation is gay because even though it technically involves the act of jerking off a guy, that guy is yourself… You know what I mean?

Masturbation has never been deemed a gay act, unless, of course, you are doing it with the aid of gay images, or (as I outlined in Rule #2 above) you try to ingest the result after you are done… ie: Eat your own cum.