Drunk Driver Smashes into Joe Biden's Motorcade

Daily Mail - The driver who smashed into Biden's motorcade in Wilmington, Delaware, last night has been charged with driving under the influence. 

James Cooper, 46, was charged last night with driving under the influence after smashing into an SUV that was part of the president's motorcade. 

Cooper was seen holding his hands up at the wheel with Secret Service agents surrounding his vehicle last night. 

President Biden, who saw the crash unfold, was rushed into an armored SUV. 

A Wilmington Police Department spokesman told DailyMail.com this morning:  'Following our investigation, Wilmington Police have determined that this was an accidental collision, and have charged the driver of the striking vehicle – a 46-year-old Wilmington man – with Driving a Vehicle Under the Influence of Alcohol and Inattentive Driving.' 

You can never feel too bad for a person who gets arrested for drunk driving. We all agree that driving drunk is a bad thing to do, and anybody who risks it deserves whatever happens to them. But let's put ourselves 46 year old James Cooper's shoes for a second. I can't find anywhere that says what his blood alcohol level was, so that makes it a little harder to tell how drunk he really was. But I'm picturing a man out at a bar with his friends, probably enjoying some NFL football. I bet he was watching Bills vs Cowboys. He probably wasn't planning on drinking much, but he just so happened to hit Steven Cheah's Trust The Data parlay for +580 and celebrated with a few extra pitchers. On his way out of the bar, him and his friend have the classic "should I or should I not drive" conversation. 

"Well I'm about to get behind the wheel of my car and drive home. The old ball and chain is waiting for me to not have sex with her."

"Are you sure you should be driving, James? You've had like 7 beers. I'm happy to give you a ride."

"Well I can't just leave my car here. That's ridiculous. I have work tomorrow."

"Just wake up 20 minutes earlier and Uber back here in the morning."

"Guys. I'm fine. You know me. I'm James Cooper. I can make this drive in my sleep"

"Great point, James. Dive safe!"

James gets to his car and begins driving unsafely. As he's pulling out of whatever Wilmington, Delaware strip mall he was drinking at, he gets distracted by a text message, looks down at his phone, and BOOM. He smashes his beige Ford into Joe Biden. Joe Biden with a belly full of spaghetti no less. Next thing he knows, there are 12 men in black suits surrounding his car, screaming at him with guns pointed at his face.

Should have taken that ride, James.

Now to be fair to James. And I'm not defending his choices. I'm just saying something that's a fact. Presidential motorcades are a little bit bullshit. Not nearly as bullshit as funeral processions. I'll concede that the President's time & safety is more valuable than mine. But having to wait 10 minutes at a green light while every person who some dead grandma ever met gets to break all the rules of the road because they have a small white flag attached to their car… Wtf is that about. What is the hurry there? Do they need to bury her expeditiously? Why is their time more valuable? 

"Oh no you're right fuck me for wanting to get to work on time. I didn't realize a complete stranger died last week."

Women in labor don't even get that privilege. Imagine driving your crowning wife to the hospital and you get stopped by a funeral procession. You end up delivering your child on the side of the road because the mayor of Akron passed away unexpectedly and there's a 30 minute line of cars that must get to the burial site in a timely manner by any means necessary. That's a real life possibility. 

Apologies for the tangent. This isn't about funeral processions. This is about James. Pour one out for James. Well… no… don't do that. He probably shouldn't be drinking. But thoughts and prayers to James. Of all the people he could have drunkenly t-boned with his car, it had to be the President. Rough, Sunday.