Tragic News: Giant Electronic Billboards With 'Don't Drive Drunk' Puns Are Being Phased Out

WSJ - U.S. road trippers now commonly cruise down the highway and find corny messages on big electronic-safety billboards that double as dad jokes.

Massachusetts has urged drivers to “Use Yah Blinkah,” Utah has pointed out that “Driving Basted is for Turkeys” and over the holidays Arizona went with “Use headlights like Rudolph uses his red nose.” 

But for America’s funniest highway sign-writers, there is a slowdown ahead. Many families might enjoy their humor, but Uncle Sam isn’t exactly in on the joke.

In December, the Federal Highway Administration, an agency within the U.S. Department of Transportation, issued new guidance on traffic-safety messages: Signs should avoid language that uses pop-culture references or humor.

I'll never forget Christmas Break in 2018. I was back in my hometown of Bowling Green, Ohio. Me and a group of old high school friends got together at a bar up in Toledo to celebrate the holiday. I swiftly threw back a dozen egg nogs, followed by another 12-16 shots of Rumple Minze. I could barely put one foot in front of another. My speech was incoherent. But despite my inebriated condition, I insisted on driving myself home. My friends attempted to rip my keys away from me, but I gripped them tight and held my ground. I pulled myself together long enough to force my way through the crowded bar and out to my vehicle. I collapsed into the drivers seat, fumbled my keys into the ignition, and swerved my way out of the parking lot. After plowing over a series of mailboxes on my way out of town, I made my way onto the interstate. That's when I saw it. In big square font in orange letters on a digital billboard reading, "ONLY RUDOLPH SHOULD DRIVE LIT."

That's when it hit me. "What are you doing, John? You're putting yourself and everybody on the road's lives in danger." I immediately pulled off the interstate, parked my car safely on a strangers front porch, and called myself an Uber. The government employee who wrote that perfectly crafted Rudolph pun managed to accomplish what my best friends in the world couldn't. He used humor to get through to drunk me. That hilarious electronic billboard may very well have saved a life that night.

None of that is true, but that's exactly what we're risking by getting rid of the "Don't Drive Drunk" jokes spelled out in giant bright lights alongside of the interstate.

Not only is it a sad day for safety. It's a sad day for the world of comedy. For those of us (everyone) who look forward to cruising the interstate 15 mph over the speed limit, spitting out your coffee, and swerving into the rumble strip as you read, "PUFF PUFF PASS THE KEYS TO A DESIGNATED DRIVER" on a digital sign above the road. I'm sorry to report that the days of roadside hilarity are coming to an end.

As a writer myself, I don't like this one bit. Terrible one-liners have been a staple of the comedy industry for centuries, and gigantic distracting signs alongside the road is where they thrive. Ever since Mitch Hedberg passed away, public roads have been carrying the one-liner joke industry. If we don't allow them to use places such as I-75 and the New Jersey Turnpike as their canvas, then where are they supposed to live? Where are the drunk driving pun writers supposed to work if not for the Department of Transportation? There are only so many jobs at Laffy Taffy and the popsicle stick factory. There's only one second chair to Alex Bennett.

Thoughts and prayers to the drunk fathers with poor judgement who may not make it home to their families without clever signs convincing them to call a cab. The whole country is now at risk. But most importantly, thoughts and prayers to the writers who have made their living in the don't-drive-drunk-roadside-quip business. They don't have much time left. They'll be forced to find a new platform for their comedy. Maybe the novelty t-shirt industry will make a comeback. Maybe they can strike a deal with big tobacco to put jokes on their cigarette boxes. Maybe Barstool Sports could use more puns. Or maybe they can just get rich off GoFundMe. Who knows. Enjoy the DUI jokes while you can everyone. Soon they'll be a thing of the past.

P.S. Sorry I didn't mean to lump in Mitch Hedberg with the jokes you find on popsicle sticks and Laffy Taffy wrappers. That's extremely disrespectful to Mitch Hedberg, who is genuinely hilarious. I apologize for that.