Trent Showered At My Apartment And It Was The Best Day Of My Life

A couple of months ago, Trent moved one block away from my apartment in the West Village. Trent had spent the last few years living on bumblefuck Long Island two hours away from the city because Frankie Borrelli told him to. “I need you close to me so we can golf together!!!” Frankie demanded, as pieces of prosciutto sprayed from his fat lips. But eventually Trent decided he had enough. He decided he wanted to be in the mix and move as close to me as possible. Trent, while at times a playful rival of mine, does actually worship the ground that I walk on. So it was a no-brainer for him to fire up StreetEasy and move to the closest apartment unit to mine that was available. 

A couple months have gone by and I’ve seen Trent here and there. Sometimes we’ll walk home together and get a slice of pizza. Sometimes we’ll get a drink at a nearby bar. But I wasn’t seeing him enough. I haven’t been to his apartment. He had only been to my apartment once to quickly pee before catching a train (while he still lived on Long Island). So on Saturday when I got the news that Trent’s apartment had no heat or hot water, I smelt an opportunity. I offered him the chance to come over and shower at my apartment. He said YES! I couldn't believe it. My roommate (a MASSIVE Trent fan since the Milton days) and I spent all day preparing. We cleaned the whole place and even got a poster board that said “Happy Trent Shower Day” so that Trent would feel welcomed when he walked in and saw it hanging in our apartment. Everything was going perfectly. 

Until it wasn’t……

Trent is a notorious flake so this was no surprise. But our disappointment was still immense. With the dream now seemingly dead, we instead turned to our usual Saturday night plans of binge watching Breaking 90. 

But then Sunday (the Lord's day) rolled around, and I figured I'd give it one more shot. 

"A strange request, and the incorrect spelling," I thought to myself. But Trent is a Midwestern simpleton. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean it in the way that his brain doesn't quite function on the same level as the rest of us. He loves cured meats and The Big Bang Theory. He hates spelling and proper grammar. So I ran to the local delicatessen and got a half pound of "boloney". I left it out on my countertop and within a half hour, Trent was at my apartment (the smell of the bologna likely made its way down to his apartment, and he floated over like a cartoon coming to a hot pie on a window sill). 

He brought his own backpack, filled with a towel, toiletries, and a change of clothes. He wore a Barstool beanie, khakis, a grey crew neck, New Balance sneakers, and a navy blue puffer jacket. I hate to compliment the guy, but he looked SO fucking hot. My roommate and I wore our Breaking 100 hats and our custom made Trent mugshot t-shirts. 

We wanted to make him feel comfortable and at home in this new environment, and this got the job done. 

Between the shirts, hats, and poster board, I could tell Trent was really digging us. He said "I gotta get out here" and ran towards the door but he couldn't leave since we installed a special lock that prevented anyone from ever leaving. (He was likely just feeling excluded and heading back to his apartment to get his own Trent mugshot t-shirt before returning). 

After a few minutes of small talk, it was time for the big event - "Trent's shower." I walked him into our bathroom and told him not to mind the camcorder we had set up in the corner. (We think the previous tenant left it). And I also let him know he shouldn't even bother trying to lock the door as the lock doesn't work. (He attempted it and it did in fact lock. I guess our super must have come and fixed it earlier that morning without us noticing). I asked him his preferred shower temperature and he said "Trent like hot! Trent like hot!" while clapping his hands together and doing a little dance with his feet. 

I let him get set up then left the bathroom to stand outside the door so I could listen. Here's a video of the sweet, sweet sounds of Trent showering. 

(For clarity's sake, the clanging noise you hear isn't Trent. It's my roommate making one of his world famous sun butter sandwiches. Trent is what I would call a "quiet showerer"). 

When Trent arrived, he left his beanie, sneakers, and jacket out on our couch. So I did what anyone would do in this situation. I tried all his clothes on and got a picture. 

Then 8 minutes and 24 seconds after Trent entered the bathroom, he exited. I thought it was a pretty quick shower for a guy who hadn't hot water in days, but he said my "constant moaning" outside the door was a bit "unsettling." Not sure what he was talking about. 

By the time he was done, the Packers-Cowboys game was about to start. We had hoped that we could lure him to stay and watch the game with us by offering him bags of his favorite snack (teriyaki glazed beef jerky) but he insisted he had to go, citing he had big plans for MLK Day Eve. He said that growing up, his family would typically do the parties and gifts on MLK Day Eve and then just kind of lay low on MLK Day itself. My family does the opposite, but I thought this was reasonable so we let him go.

It actually ended up being a good thing that he left, because this gave me the opportunity to run into the bathroom and lay my face against the bathtub floor as I licked up his dirty bath water. (I got the inspiration from Saltburn and I HIGHLY recommend it if you're ever lucky enough to have Trent shower at your apartment). 

Tasted like bologna. 

Anywho, here's to hoping Trent's hot water never returns and he's forced to come over and shower at my place every night for the foreseeable future.