Dear John: My Friend Wins Too Much

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Dear John where I steal re-purpose Dear Abby questions from the internet and give significantly worse advice than Abby, who is a nameless, faceless coward.  

I would like to start fielding my own questions. I'm really not sure if anybody will take the time to ask anything, but Kenjac was kind enough to create this Google Form for me. 

I really hate posing the question as, "What would you like advice from John Rich on?" I don't have the audacity to think I'm in any position to give any advice to anyone else. But idk how else to word it. And in reality, that's exactly what I'm asking people to do. So fuck it. If you want some bad advice from the all-knowing John Rich of Barstool Sports, then let it rip. I don't care if your questions are real, fake, mean, or insulting to me and my co-workers. They can be literally anything. I'll answer any questions that aren't going to get me fired. Considering I probably won't get many submissions at first, if you do choose to submit a question, chances are you'll get a response. 

If you have a Twitter, Instagram, or anything you'd like me to plug, I'll be sure to include it in the blog. Until then, the Dear Abby questions will have to do. 

DEAR ABBY: I am not exaggerating — my friend ALWAYS has to be number one and first. She offered to help our queen mother in the Red Hat Society hide eggs last Easter, then went to gather them all herself. She also gets mad when she doesn’t win a costume contest at the senior center and hates when someone else wins a raffle. 

I won’t go into everything, but she MUST win at everything and be the center of attention. During the last Easter egg hunt, I tried to pull her away from the door so she couldn’t see, but she eventually snuck through and won the egg hunt. I don’t understand her behavior. What can I do? — EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I don't have the slightest idea what "queen mother in the Red Hat Society" means, and I will not be looking it up. I'm just going to assume your "queen mother" is a member of a woman's only cult that publicly organizes fun, wholesome activities for the community, but behind closed doors sacrifices goats and drinks the blood of children in the name of Satan.

But this question isn't about your devil worshipping, cult-member mom. It's about your friend. And to be honest with you, your friend sounds like a winner.

"Oh poor me, my extremely successful friend is the best at everything she does?" - That's what you sound like.

What your hot friend managed to accomplish by taking control of the Easter Egg Hunt is winning behavior. I'm willing to bet when you heard about this egg hunt, you thought to yourself, "What a fun idea! I'll continue living my life like a regular human being, then I'll show up with my family on Sunday morning and give it a good ol' college try."

Meanwhile, your friend was proactive Instead of resting on her laurels and waiting for your mom to toss a few eggs into the bushes, she called up the Red Hat Society and said, "How can I help with your event?" 

She was able to infiltrate the cult, and take matters into her own hands. She obtained a copy of the official Easter egg hunt rulebook and found that there were no specific rules that prevented organizers from competing in the competition. Your friend worked her way up the chain of command to the top of the Red Hat Society. She organized the entire event herself.  She took the time to learn where each and every egg was hidden, drew herself a detailed map, then put on the greatest Easter Egg hunting performance since the zombie Jesus rolled away the stone and found every candy-filled egg in Jerusalem. 

So instead of hiding behind a fake moniker and bitching to "Abby" on the internet about how successful your friend is, maybe try to learn from her. Invite her over for dinner and pick her brain. Take notes on how she lives her life and use those notes to better yourself. Then maybe next Easter you'll make your children proud, instead of embarrassing them with another pathetic egg hunting performance

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I’ve known for 30 years. We have shared many good times together and feel like family. The problem is, she cuts me off during every phone conversation.

It doesn’t matter if I’m talking about the weather or something I think is important — she interrupts me in mid-sentence and announces she has to go, for whatever reason. She has done this for years, but lately it’s gotten worse. 

She’s in a new marriage, and we rarely talk anymore. But when we do, it’s a given that as soon as I get into talking, she has to go. I never do that to her. I listen patiently and quietly while she tells me about her life. Should I just forget about our friendship and stop answering her calls? Telling her will only make her mad to the point that she won’t talk to me anymore anyway. — CUT OFF IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CUT OFF: When people are constantly cutting you off, or bailing on your conversations, it's a tell-tale sign that you're not very interesting. If you were less boring, perhaps your friend wouldn't have to take control of the conversation to prevent herself from blowing her brains out. However, if you've been friends for 30 years, I have to assume you're a minimum of 35 years old. Which means unless your life take a drastic turn, you're not just going to suddenly become an interesting person. What that means is, if you want your friend to pay attention to you again, you're going to have to make up some better stories. It sounds like you don't really give a shit about this person anymore, so why not spin some fun yarns? 

Take the time to fabricate a story about how you chased down a bank robber, wrestled away his gun, returned the money to the bank, and was rewarded with a key to the city. Your friend will be on pins and needles for that one. But if she still decides to interrupt you, here's what your move is. If she cuts you off halfway through, just stop talking entirely. Do not continue with your story. Let her finish whatever bullshit antidote she interrupted you with, then shut up. Once she's done talking, she's going to ask you what happens next. But DO NOT tell her. Instead say, "I'm sorry, since you cut me off I figured you weren't interested. You don't get to hear the rest." 

She's not going to like that. She's going to insist you continue, because she'll want to know what happens next with the bank robber. But no matter what, DO NOT finish the story. This will teach her a lesson. From there on out, your friend will think twice about cutting you off mid-sentence. She won't want to risk missing out on another one of your potentially heroic tales ever again. 

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend just started his first year of college. We have been together for about a year and a half. He isn’t super far away, but his mom is restricting us from seeing each other “too often.” Every time I go to visit him, I pay for my own train ticket. I don’t really think my visiting him is affecting her in any way.

We both want to be respectful of her and her wishes, but when it’s possible to see him, I’d like to be able to. 

A relationship is hard to maintain seeing each other only once a month. He does come home for breaks and some weekends, which I am grateful for.

I just don’t feel she should be making those choices for us. I want to communicate to her about this, but I don’t want to seem disrespectful or rude. What should I do? — THREE IS A CROWD

DEAR THREE IS A CROWD: There's nothing hotter than being in a relationship with a person who your parents don't approve of. If you want that feeling to last, I recommend you feed into the lie. Tell your mother that you're no longer seeing this boyfriend. She'll be so proud of you for moving on to something new. But that will only make your relationship hotter. Every time you sneak off to visit him, it will be more of a risk. The key to a healthy relationship is having a common enemy. If everyone in your life supports you, things are going to get stale within a few months. So don't think of your mother's disapproval as a problem, think of it as a solution. The longer you can drag this thing out, the better your relationship is going to be. (a lot of my advice is just dumb jokes, but I actually believe in this one).

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer in a blog, feel free to submit them in the Google Form below.