Dear John (Part 1): My Friend Won't Stop Fucking My Exes

I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake. For the last few weeks, I've been writing a "Dear John" blog, where I simply took a few of the best/worst Dear Abby questions from the New York Post, and answered them by giving the best/worst advice I could

Considering I source half of my blogs from the New York Post already, I thought to myself, "I should try to field my own questions." I figured that would make this whole exercise a little more legitimate. So in my last blog, I provided a Google form, and asked people to send in their own questions for me to answer.

For whatever reason, I was under the impression that I wouldn't receive much more than a few responses. So naturally, to encourage people to answer, I said something along the lines of. "If you respond with any question at all, I will almost certainly answer it." 

I had 43 questions to answer. I'm not sure how many of these questions will be real, how many of them are trolling, how many of them are saying this idea is terrible and we should burn down the New York office. But I'm going to sift through each and every one and provide as many answers as I can. I kind of want to do them all in one blog, but nobody wants to read 10,000 words of advice from a Barstool blogger. So I'll be splitting this up into multiple parts. I promise I'll give some sort of response to any question that isn't going to get me fired.

Also, as somebody in the comments last week pointed out that taking questions from Barstool readers might ruin everything, and that the blog only works with the serious questions submitted to Abby. That's probably a valid point. But we'll see how this goes, it actually looks like there are some legitimate questions in here.

Dear John, 

I write to you under great duress. I recently came to an agreement with, while not someone I'd call a friend, an acquaintance that some people are saying will have dire consequences for millions. I believe strongly in my decision, but am worried that my nay-sayers, particularly my friend Winston will be vindicated and I, utterly humiliated. For context, I met with an artist with eyes like pools of dark blue sapphires on the banks of the Isar River in (quite charming this time of year!) Germany. There, in the spirit of appeasement and de-escalation, I along with my friends from Paris agreed to cede to this artist, parts of Czechoslovakia. Now, I did this as I believed it was best for the entire region, as this will, and this part I GUARANTEE, be the last that we hear about any of this. However, as I returned home I was greeted with jest by members of my community. They tell me I am naive and foolish to believe that this funny man from Austria will be satisfied by the wares I have sold him so freely. I was wondering, do you think what I did was foolish or a stroke of genius that will pay dividends for generations to come? Please, respond quickly, as I can't even enjoy a nice cuppa while I anguish over the ramifications of the agreement I made in Munich. 

Sincerely, Neville (@neville)

This is quality writing, Neville. I'm fairly certain this is a reference to something I'm not familiar with. Oh wait, no… it's Hitler. You're Neville Chamberlain and you're talking about Hitler. That took embarrassingly long for me to get. Either way, if I were you, I'd build a time machine, travel back to 1890, and kill this artist while he's still a baby.

I’ve been in therapy now for like 2 years now, and after telling my therapist things about myself that even I don’t fucking want hear (I don’t know she does it), she’s starting to feel more & more attractive to me. I’m not talking Brennan from Step Brothers psycho shit, but she’s pretty cute, listens, and makes me less shitty about myself for 45 mins/week. But the thing is I’m married, so is she. So my question is how does one start a clandestine affair with one’s therapist?  Keep in mind I can’t just turn on the charm and sweep her off her feet and ravage her right in her office (but the cliche leather couch she has is really luxurious, supple too).  Because I really DO need for her to remain my therapist, really have some legit issues to work out. Do I just pull a full-on Brennan and tell her I love her and that she makes the tip of my penis tingle?  That feels like a tad too strong.  Any advice would be much appreciated because I would hate to lose both my marriage and my cute, angelic therapist.

Thanks. 

On the off chance you're not doing a Soprano's bit, here's my advice. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You just gotta go for it. Therapists are hornier than you might think. Most therapists, especially the attractive female ones, got into the profession because they're lonely women looking to get fucked by mentally unstable patients. It's still a risk. There's always a chance you could be reading this situation incorrectly. But on the other hand, if you express your love to her, she might gargle your balls right there on the spot.

Saving up money for an engagement ring - 

Dear John. No offense, I don’t think you make that much money. Probably a decent living, but not enough to easily save what engagement rings cost. Maybe I’m underestimating your page views, and all the dumping them out clicks you get may have paid for your fiancés engagement ring. That being said - how did you do it? Did you sell blood, semen, maybe a mix of both? I’ll hang up and listen, thanks. P.S. “dear John” puts the taylor swift song in my head. I wish I was John Mayer and I wouldn’t have to get engaged. 

You've made a correct assumption about my finances. I just bit the bullet and put my whole engagement ring on a credit card. It was pretty devastating at the time. I don't have nearly as much money saved up as a responsible 32-year old should. You can always do it in multiple payments, but for me that was going to end up being more expensive in the long run. The ring I bough ended up being around $8,000. I was going to spend less, but the internet bullied me into thinking $5,000 was pathetic. They may have been right. I still don't really know what the rule is.

Unless you think your girlfriend is going to be horribly insulted by this, my best advice is to buy a lab diamond. You can get one that's 2 karats for less than I paid. Unfortunately, it will not be a blood diamond mined with the hands starving children in Côte d'Ivoire. Many women prefer that. But if she just wants to flash something big and fancy on her finger, a lab diamond is the way to go.

But to answer your actual question, no I didn't sell my semen-blood. I just ate rice and chicken for every meal, and barely went out to the bars for about 6 months. You'll make it back eventually. Money isn't real. It doesn't matter. It only seems like it does.

First off John rich I don't know but I wanna be rich and I'm willing to learn how can I make money on the internet quickly and everyone get a contribution 

- Dwreck peters derrick peters sir

Go online and sign up for as many contests as possible. The sketchier the website the better. That means there will be less people entered in the contest. Any time you see a free car promotion in a mall, enter it as many times as you can. Give your personal information (name, phone number, email, etc.) to as many different entities as possible. You're bound to win one eventually. If you're really lucky, a Nigerian Prince may even reach out to you with the deal of a lifetime. Just do whatever he asks, even if the English seems a little broken. Soon enough he'll wire hundreds of thousands of dollars into your bank account. You'll likely need to provide them with some money up front, but you have to spend money to make money.

Or you can just buy bitcoin. Either way should work. 

My friend will only have sex with a girl if it happens to be my ex girlfriend. Should I be honored or mad?

- Ty

You should be mad. You need to teach your friend a lesson. Find the nastiest, most disease riddled Craigslist prostitute you can and hire her to be your fake girlfriend. If she's pozzed up that would be ideal. After a few months, stage a big dramatic breakup. If what you're telling me is true, your scumbag friend will definitely have sex with her. Monitor the situation closely. When they inevitably have sex, as soon as your "friend" reaches completion, burst into his bedroom like Ashton Kutcher in Punk'd. Have confetti fall from the ceiling, blow some airhorns, and unfurl a giant banner that reads, "HAPPY AIDS DAY!"

See if he ever fucks one of your exes again. 

Can meth improve your relationship with your spouse? 

For most people no. Meth is a big no-no for most women. However, if your wife is a meth-addict, it can really take your relationship to knew heights. Nothing will make your meth-addict wife happier than when you surprise her with a fresh bag of meth. There's something romantic about a co-dependent relationship between two drug-addicts who's lives are spiraling out of control, but are still madly in love with each other. At least your marriage won't be boring.

Alright, I'm stopping there for now. I'll put together part two and post it later tonight or tomorrow morning. Thanks for reading. Also, for legal reasons, I think I have to say that I'm not an expert and you shouldn't take my advice. In case that's not obvious enough already. You shouldn't knowingly give your friend AIDS.