Just A Reminder... Mike Tyson Is Not A Very Good Boxer

Mind you, he WAS a very good fighter… One of my favorites of all time.  In 1986 Mike Tyson became the youngest heavyweight champion in boxing history.  But, as the adage states, "That was then. This is now."  And right now, Iron Mike stinks.

And this is no fault of his own… Mother Nature remains undefeated, and that old cunt has handed Mr. Tyson more than his fair share of punishment over the years.  Mike turns 58 at the end of June, and those 58 years have contained 3 marriages (including 1 to that scheming bitch Robin Givens, who Tyson found in bed with none other than Mr. Brad Pitt)… 

… three years in prison after being convicted of rape…

AFP. Getty Images.

… a failed cartoon series…

… nearly 300 professional rounds of ring-wear in the most punishing division in all of boxing...

Tony Triolo. Getty Images.

… and a SHTLOAD of weed and cocaine.

All of those factors take a toll on any man, even someone once touted as "The Baddest Man on the Planet".

If that doesn't convince you, let's go back TWENTY FUCKING YEARS and take a look at how Tyson fared in the last two fights of his career.

On July 30, 2004, Tyson fought a young Brit nobody heard of named Danny Williams in Louisville, Kentucky. 

Focus On Sport. Getty Images.

(Danny is the guy on the left with the word "DANNY" rainbowing over his penis.)

Tyson dominated the opening two rounds, the third got a little froggy, and in the fourth round, Tyson was unexpectedly knocked out… By Danny FUCKING Williams… A guy who (hopefully) retired with a record of 55 wins and 33 losses. 

After the fight, we were told Tyson had done some ligament damage in the early rounds which hampered his ability to set his feet and throw punches, but nobody cared… Tyson got knocked-the-fuck-out.

Mark Lyons. Shutterstock Images.

A year later, Tyson would fight another non-household name, Kevin McBride.

Matthew Cavanaugh. Shutterstock Images.

Tyson quit that fight at the end of Round 6 after telling the referee that he would not be able to continue to Round 7.  The then 38-year-old Tyson explained in a post-fight interview that his heart wasn't into the sport anymore, and announced his retirement saying, "I'm not going to disrespect the sport anymore by losing to this caliber of fighter"

Brendan Smialowski. Shutterstock Images.

So after the loss, Mike hung up the gloves professionally.  But McBride fought another 8 times, losing 6 of those 8 bouts.  You know… Because he stunk.

So to sum up… Tyson used to be a very good boxer.  His style was impetuous and his defense was impregnable. 

Then a ton of shit happened, and by 2004, he was no longer any good.

Fast forward TWENTY FUCKING YEARS and a soon to be 58 year old Mike Tyson is being wheeled out again to fight Dirk Mann from the Disney Channel series Bizaardvark.

(I don't care.)

I don't know what the terms are for this fight… But I am hoping there are some sort of exhibition rules that will need to be followed to protect a guy who is a QUARTER OF A CENTURY beyond his prime.  Otherwise, the boxing commission that okayed this matchup should be thrown into a fucking volcano.

Everyone knows I am a licensed amateur boxing referee in the state of West Virginia, and a huge flare is sent up whenever someone over 50 wants to fight.  Another flare goes up when an opponent is more than twice the age of the man he is fighting… It's one of the only reasons Stu Feiner has never fought in Rough N Rowdy, even though he's one of the toughest Jews I know.

Well, both of those flares continue to hang in the sky over this bout set for mid-July… But, unfortunately, nobody seems to care.

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There's a good chance I cover this fight as it gets closer.  Maybe I'll have the opportunity to interview one or both of the participants.  But for now, I'll close by repeating this- In 2005, Tyson retired saying, "I'm not going to disrespect the sport anymore by losing to this caliber of fighter."

Nearly twenty years later I can comfortably (but secretly) call him a fucking liar.

Take a report.

-Large