Trump Claims That Biden Shit Himself Behind The Resolute Desk In The Oval Office

In his 45-minute presentation, Mr Trump lambasted Mr Biden’s border policy and mocked him for making what he claims to be poor decisions behind the Resolute Desk, the iconic Oval Office desk which was gifted to the US by Queen Victoria in 1880.

“The Resolute Desk is beautiful,” Mr Trump allegedly said, an attendee told The New York Times.

“Ronald Reagan used it, others used it. And he’s using it,” he added, referring to Mr Biden.

Mr Trump then went on to claim that he “might not use” the infamous Resolute Desk if he returns to the Oval Office, claiming that Mr Biden had defecated on it.

“It’s been soiled. And I mean that literally, which is sad,” he commented.

I mean this in a big way, we are currently in a spot where we used to make fun of other countries. We have one dude who is in court every other day for criminal or civil proceedings while being 78 years old and another dude who is just gliding through while talking softly and looking his age while arguing that he doesn't look or think like his age. We have two geriatric fucks that are currently older than the President of the mid-90s and the vice president of the late 80s and early 90s running to be president. 

That being said, it is not a surprise if Biden shit himself. In fact, I would say that it's more strange if a President doesn't shit himself in the office. I like to picture my President sitting behind that big beautiful desk with a shit on deck that would make the average person blush. You're sitting there working all day without time to take a sufficient break so you try to squeeze in a fart like Jerry Biden. Whoops. There's a mess in his pants again.

I just want you to picture the scene that could have taken place if Biden was honest about his alledged shitty little accident. He strolls slowly out to the rose garden to the tune of Hail to the Chief, stands behind the podium with the Presidential seal, and gives the speech of a lifetime. In fact, that speech has already been written.  

But if he is scared of the claims of plagiarism by incoming Congressman Football, he could simply release a statement through the Press Secretary saying the following:

Allison Bailey. Shutterstock Images.

In an unprecedented turn of events, President Biden found himself in an uncomfortably foul situation behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Amidst a critical meeting with foreign dignitaries, an unfortunate combination of nerves and an ill-advised lunch burrito led to a rather embarrassing accident. As aides scrambled for cover and air fresheners, the President quickly realized the gravity of the situation and pushed the panic button. 

With a mixture of humility and good humor, President Biden wants to give the nation the full picture of the incident. Directly from the President is his statement. "My fellow Americans, today I wish to inform you with a sense of humility and a fresh pair of trousers. Yesterday, in the hallowed halls of the White House, I encountered a moment of, shall we say, unexpected discharge." The President continues, "Let us not dwell on the stains of the past but instead look to the future with resolve and perhaps a change of dietary habits. For in the face of adversity, it is not the mess in our pants that defines us as Americans, but how we clean it up together as a nation." 

And with that, a collective sigh of relief echoed across the land, and the nation can move forward. 

Good job everyone. As a reminder, we do not poop shame.