Dumping Them Out: Too Late NBA + NHL Playoff Preview
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. Today's episode will be a NBA/NHL Playoff Preview of sorts. I know I little late to the party, but my preview will have little to nothing to do with the actual products on ice. For example, I'm watching the Florida Panthers vs Tampa Bay Lightning right now
Florida vs Tampa Bay
Both of these teams are teams I wish didn't exist. I'm not a fan of Florida hockey teams. They shouldn't be allowed cold weather sports. People often forget that the name of the city of "Tampa" and not "Tampa Bay". I've always thought of Tampa as a trash place, based on their extensive number of strips clubs. But I do enjoy strip clubs. The Panthers on the other hand are in Fort Lauderdale, which is close to Miami, and Miami is my favorite vacation I've ever took. I blacked out at LIV, spent $500, and don't remember a thing about it. Also got ripped off by a fake Uber. Charged me $50 to go like a mile. Then when he dropped me off I couldn't find my AIrBnB. I was running around looking for it and ended up eating shit hard. My legs were all cut up. Boxers ripped in half. It was a mess. But I loved it (Adv. Panthers)
Boston Bruins vs Toronto Maple Leafs
Toronto has a booming Asian population. I just watched a documentary called "What Jennifer Did" where this Vietnamese girl hires hit men to kill her parents. Toronto is also home to my favorite mayor of all time in Rob Ford (RIP). However Boston is kind of the reason I'm employed. My favorite boss is Boston sports fan. He just raised a shit load of money for families of fallen police officers. Base on that alone I must give them the nod (Adv. Boston)
Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers
Washington on the other hand is one of my least favorite cities in America. The worst humans in America are employed there (politicians). And can anybody explain to be why it's sooo much hotter there in the summer than anywhere else on the east coast? It'll be like 85 in Philly and 105 in DC at the same time. I don't understand it at all. New York on the other hand is in the greatest city in the world (that's what you say when you work there) even though Madison Square Garden is kind of a dump that just so happens to be in the very worst part of the Manhattan, I'm still giving New York the edge (Adv. New York Rangers)
Carolina Hurricanes vs New York Islanders
I realize I'm writing way too much for these considering I have 13 matches to go, so I'll start cutting to the chase. The Carolina Hurricanes don't deserve a team either. Who the fuck cares about hockey in Carolina. The New York Islanders have their own official restaurant in Borellis. I've never been there but I'm sure it's lovely (Adv. New York Islanders)
Dallas Stars vs Las Vegas Knights
Dallas is a weird place. Just a bunch of grown ass men with finance jobs who dress like Cowboys for work even though the entire city is made of concrete. Las Vegas is my favorite city in America. I got it down to a science. Nobody knows how to have a good, cheap time in Vegas like me (Adv. Vegas)
Vancouver Canucks vs Nashville Predators
Vancouver is a beautiful city and I like their team colors. Nashville has the worst jersey/logo combination in all of sports. And their homeless people killed Riley Strain. Also that poser country singer John Rich has a bar there. Fuck Nashville (Adv. Vancouver)
Edmonton Oilers vs Los Angeles Kings
Connor McDavid being cool makes up for the fact that I'm also pretty sure Edmonton would be a dog shit place to live. Los Angeles on the other hand is fabulous. I was homeless there once. I've also got being homeless down to a science. If shit ever hits the fan, being homeless in LA is my backup plan. Either that or fleeing to Cambodia (Adv. Los Angeles)
Winnipeg Jets vs Colorado Avalanche
I couldn't tell you single thing about Winnipeg so I have to imagine that it fucking sucks. It's always nice to see Canadian teams go far, but Denver is a way cooler city. I've never been recognized as a Barstool employee more than when I was in Denver (Adv. Denver
Oklahoma City Thunder vs New Orleans Pelicans
Oklahoma City gives the Nashville Predators a run for their money in worst logo/jersey combos. New Orleans Pelicans on the other hand have a great vibe. And they play in the Smoothie King Center which is kind of hilarious. How does Smoothing King have NBA arena money? Zion Williams is probably singlehandedly keeping them in business. He strikes me as a guy who drinks 5 large smoothies because he thinks they're healthy and doesn't understand why he stays fat (Adv. Pelicans)
Los Angeles Clippers vs Dallas Mavericks
I've never loved Dallas vibe for whatever reason. Dirk Nowitzki never did it for me. Germans are always kind bleh. But I like how the Clippers are the Lakers little brother. I once went to see the Clippers play and only had to spend $3 for a ticket, so I appreciate them for that. Specifically Steve Balmer. Thank you Steve Balmer (Adv. Clippers)
Minnesota Timberwolves vs Phoenix Suns
Sorry if this is too inside basketball, but I just really love Anthony Edwards. I think he's the coolest player in the league. Pretty solid actor too. Loved him in that Adam Sandler basketball scout movie. I've never seen a Phoenix Suns player act. But if Bol Bol happens to pop up in a new movie sometime this week might switch my pick. But for now (Adv. Timberwolves)
Denver Nuggets vs Los Angeles Lakers
Fuck the Nuggets. I'm a LeBron stan. He's maybe even as good of an actor as Anthony Edwards. Plus I really wanna see LeBron get one more in his life. Preferably with the Lakers before Jack Nicholson croaks (Adv Lakers)
Boston Celtics vs Miami Heat
Fantastic jersey matchups between these two teams. A couple of classic. Jimmy Butler being out makes Miami lose a lot of cool points. But luckily Tyler Herro wears a headband now so that makes up for it a bit. But once again, Boston pays my bills. And I'm afraid if Miami wins again then Dave is going to hire a second Nicky Smokes. I love Nicky Smokes, but I think our company has already firmly met our Smokes quota.
Cleveland Cavaliers vs Orlando Magic
Two teams that in my mind should never be in the playoffs. This is going to have to come down to what I like more, The Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame or Disney World. I haven't been to either in a while. But Disney World just seems like too much. I'd prefer a nice rock n' roll museum that features artists who are primarily not rock' n rollers. I love The Notorious B.I.G. as much as the next guy, but he just simply isn't rock n' roll. Either was I'm going with the Cleve (Adv. Caviliers)
Milwaukee Bucks vs Indiana Pacers
Nobody loves the Cers more than me. Normally this would be a complete landslide based on Doc Rivers dumb face alone. Also I'm a little over quirky Giannis. They do however have my close personal friend Pat Beverly now. He's personally said hi to me no less than 3 times. One time he made fun of my for something and everyone laughed, but I didn't have the slightest idea what he said. I didn't ask either. I just know I got roasted by Pat Bev about something. But I'm in a Cers group chat so… (Adv. Pacers)
New York Knicks vs Philadelphia 76ers
My biggest regret since moving to the NYC area is that I've never caught a game at Madison Square Garden. But if they manage to win a series I plan to splurge for a ticket. So I'm going to need that to happen. Also even if the Sixers end up winning, Embiid is eventually going to get hurt and they'll just become a waste of a playoff team (Adv. Knicks)