The Great American Experiment Continues as a Witness Argues With a Lawyer Over Whether Her Sex With the President Was Like it Was Her Porn Movies
There's an expression you've no doubt that's often reported as coming from the ancient Chinese that is neither ancient nor Chinese. But whatever it's origin, it goes, "May you live in interesting times." It's not meant to wish you well; it's a curse. And it's safe to say that right now, you and I are living right now in the heart of the most interesting of times.
Of course, this country has been through a lot. A Revolution. A Civil War. A protracted and blood-soaked takeover of the original inhabitants' ancestral homelands. Assassinations. A Great Depression. Two World Wars. Civil unrest. Terror attacks. Hulk Hogan joining the NWO. And still, we're still on our feet after 250 years. As Johnny Cash said of the "Ragged Old Flag," "She's in good shape for the shape she's in."
But for all their struggles, nothing our ancestors ever went through involve a court trial of a former US President accused of some kind of accounting crime after allegedly paying a porn actress to keep quiet about some supposedly uninspiring sex they might have had:
On this one, we're breaking new ground. Our generation is in our own Age of Discovery. We're Lewis & Clark, blazing new sexual trails. With Stormy Daniels as our Sacajawea.
In direct testimony the other day, she described, under oath, to remain permanently in the court records from now until the end of time or a giant meteor putting us out of our misery (hopefully soon), the position she and Donald J. Trump used.
"I had my clothes and my shoes off," she said. "I removed my bra. We were in missionary position." For as along as the republic survives, we need that quote in the history books along with, "We have nothing to fear ...", "I have a dream ..." and "That's one small step for man ...".
Well today the defense got to cross examine Daniels. And it did not disappoint. The Daily Mail was on hand to give us live updates. In chronological order:
14:21 Daniels is grilled about her strip club tour called Make America Horny Again
Stormy Daniels told the court she hated the name of her strip club tour: 'Make America Horny Again'.
Necheles is asking Daniels about the advertising for the tour, specifically with a photo of Daniels and Trump from the golf course meeting.
Daniels claimed she fought 'tooth and nail' to change the name as [Trump's lawyer Susan] Necheles suggested she was trying to capitalize on the affair story. …
14:25 Lawyer brings up Stormy Daniels tweet she would 'flush the orange turd down’ …
[Necheles] shows a March 27 tweet from Daniels in which she retweets a post that calls her a toilet.
Daniels wrote: 'Exactly! Making me the best person to flush the orange turd down.’ … She says 'someone calls me a toilet, I'm pretty sure I can say I can flush somebody.'
Daniels notes the person she retweeted was calling her a human toilet 'so I capitalized on the joke.' …
14:38 Stormy Daniels says if she made up Trump sex story she 'would have written it to be a lot better'
Donald Trump's lawyer is asking Stormy Daniels about making porn films.
'You have a lot of experience of making phony stories about sex appear to be real?' Necheles says.
Daniels counters 'wow, that's not how I'd put it.' She says 'the sex in the films is very much real.' … 'If that story was untrue, I would have written it to be a lot better.’ …
15:07 Trump’s lawyer zeroes in on Daniels' testimony about Trump being in his underwear and the sex …
She asks a series of questions about Daniels' surprise about Trump being on the bed and her feeling faint.
She asks after all the porn Daniels has done, seeing a man sitting on the bed in his boxers and t-shirt was so upsetting she got light headed and almost fainted?
Daniels counters: ‘Yes, when you’re not expecting to see a man twice your age. …
Necheles points out earlier Daniels claims she spanked him. Daniels says that was ‘in jest.’
At another point, Necheles notes that she said in her book 'you'd made him your b***ch?'
'I had earlier, yes,' Daniels says.
'Because you are powerful right?'
'I used to think so,' Daniels says.
I say again, just like the Framers of the Constitution drew it up. They might have spent countless hours over weeks and months locked in heated debates about lofty philosophical issues like personal liberties, Secularism vs. Religion, Freedom vs. Slavery, the separation of powers, taxation, a standing military, a bicameral legislature and so on. But deep in their hearts they had to know that if you let a crazy bunch of assholes build a nation, eventually it would all deteriorate to this. When the big issue of our time is whether a largely lab-grown woman who has sex for a living boned an eccentric nutjob with reality show, whether she took her bra off, and what position they settled on.
And though I'm not here to editorialize, the least believable part of her story is they chose missionary. Billionaires who've gotten it in every time zone on the globe don't get porn actresses into bed and choose the plainest option. Trump is too good a negotiator to squander an opportunity like that. It's like going to the buffet on a luxury cruise and grabbing a plate of dinner rolls. But that's neither here nor there.
The only thing that matters is what I wrote the other day. From now on, we live in a world where the star of Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre testified about having unprotected intercourse with a future Commander in Chief. And we lived to see it. It's been a great run, America. We can end the experiment now.