The 8 Easy Steps to Using Dark Psychology to Manipulate Any Woman Into Desperately Wanting You

Ever since Elon Musk accidently bought the company and Twitter.com turned into X.com, I've been force fed a whole new brand of content. I see tons of exciting things that never would have come across my desk otherwise. Many of the posts are simply videos. Just the other day watched an inspiring clip of an old man falling onto the train tracks, then be heroically saved by a brave stranger a split second before he was flattened like a pancake. The next day I saw a less inspiring video of man falling onto the train tracks, then he was immediately flattened like a pancake. Every day it's something new. 

But the last few days I've noticed in uptick in lists. It was only a matter of time before Twitter/X fully threw in the towel and started relying heavily on lists for engagement. Companies like Buzz Feed and Barstool Sports have been doing it for years. There's a reason they get so many clicks. They're extremely consumable and easy for dumb brains to wrap their minds around. It's far easier to write a list than to form nicely flowing, cohesive paragraphs. They're ripe for starting arguments. And sometimes they're even educational. 

Consider the following list. Using Dark Psychology to Make Any Woman Desperately Miss You by Cleopatra | Seduce Her (@SeduceCleopatra). 

I know the people of Barstool Sports (bloggers and fans alike) are a notoriously a pussy getting people. I don't mean to imply that we need some list compiled by a hot, dark, mysterious woman (and certainly not a 55-year old man cosplaying as a sexy dating expert on the internet) in order to succeed with the ladies. Still, it never hurts to brush up on your women manipulation skills. I'm happily engaged, so I don't have much use for dark psychology anymore. But how do you think I got here? By being a nice guy? That's ridiculous. I got here by using dark psychology. Thanks to dark psychology, I was able to manipulate a single woman into letting me spend thousands of dollars on a diamond engagement ring and take on her mountain of student loan debt in exchange for bi-monthly sex.

For any single guys out there who are struggling to bag a bird, this John Rich x Cleopatra | Seduce Her collab should help steer you in the right direction. Follow these 8 steps and you'll have perfect 10's fawning over you in no time.

IGNITE THE FLAMES OF JEALOUSY

This step seems fairly obvious. It's important that a woman believes you're in high demand. You need her to think that you have options, and that without her your life would be utterly unaffected (if not better). If you have hot platonic friends, this one is simple. Post selfies with them to your Instagram story as much as humanely possible. No amount of hot girl selfies is too many. If you don't have any hot girl friends, a hot cousin will do the trick. Or just tell a stranger that you're scouting smokeshows for Barstool Sports and you need a picture of her looking at you in a playful/semi-seductive manner so that Gaz can judge whether or not you're fit for the main page. Whatever it takes to get the pic. Caption it with something vague that will make your target think, "Who the fuck is this bitch?" Something like:

"Now I'm in trouble…"

"This is gonna be a longggg night…"

"Look what the slut cat dragged in"

Any of those will do the trick. If you're able to, try and steal your hot friend/fake smokeshow candidate's phone and post the picture to her story. Tag yourself, then repost it to your story. That way it'll look like the picture was her idea, which will fan the flames of jealously even harder.

DON'T ALWAYS BE ON HER LINE

Makes sense. The last thing a girl wants is a man who prioritizes her. You don't have time to text her good morning, or send her a picture of your lunch, or check up on her sick dad. You want her to think you have more important stuff going on in your life than her. One thing you can do to establish this is immediately tell her that you're leaving town for a couple of weeks.

Her: "Hey I had a fun last night. You want to get drinks and have sex again on Friday?"

You: "Sorry I wish I could but I'll be in Montreal."

Montreal is the perfect place for a fake trip. I have no clue what goes on up there. She probably won't either. But any man who casually goes to Montreal for a couple of weeks must be up to something. Are you going for business? Pleasure? There's a bunch of casinos there, maybe you're a gambler… Maybe you speak French… could be anything. 

SEND AND UNSOLICITED DICK PIC

Just kidding. I have no idea what 3 is. It looks like Cleopatra skipped 3 in her thread. You probably have to buy her $37 book to find out.

DON'T GIVE IN TO ATTENTION BAIT

Only suckers respond to women in a timely manner. Never answer her in the way she expects you to. If she calls you, let it go to voicemail and respond with a text. Try to steer all conversations to Snapchat. If she texts you about meeting up later, wait 4 hours then send her a Snap of you at the bar. What does that mean? Are you telling her to come meet up with you? That's for her to figure out. Communicating with a potential love interest should be a long and painstaking game of cat-and-mouse. In fact, having a conversation with you should literally be like trying to get the attention of stubborn cat. You're pretty sure the cat hates you, but every once in a while it shows just barely enough affection to make you think that if you hang around long enough you might be able to win it over.

CULTIVATE AN AIR OF MYSTERY

The less she knows about you the better. Always change the subject when she brings up you family, and never give her a clear answer on what it is you do for work. Just tell her you're in "sales", and always carry a second "work" phone on you. When she's around, make sure to be on your second phone more than the phone you use to communicate with her. The second phone doesn't even have to work. You shouldn't be letting her get a clear look at the screen anyways. But the second phone will make her think two crucial things

1) There's another woman in your life

This will bring out her competitive spirit. You don't want to waste your time with a woman who's half-assing it. Her thinking that she's in competition with another woman will assure that she's putting forth her best effort every time you hang out, both in and out of the bedroom.

2) You might be a drug dealer

Her thinking you might be a drug dealer is best case scenario. That's the exact vibe you're going for. She doesn't actually want to be with a drug dealer. But she thinks she does. Keep that fantasy in the back of her mind for as long as possible. Nothing good is going to come out of her learning that you actually sell packaging supplies for Uline.

SHOW YOUR TRUE SELF

Idk what the hell Cleopatra is driving at here. She literally just said to cultivate an air of mystery. Now we're supposed to show our true selves? If my true self was good enough to attract a woman I wouldn't be relying on your stupid dark psychology tricks in the first place. Ignore this step. It's not important.

BE CHARISMATIC AND CONFIDENT

This one is smart. Just be a super charming and charismatic guy who everybody wants to be around at all time. Don't do anything awkward. Never doubt yourself. Always have fun and interesting conversation that appeals to her and everyone else in the group. Make sure that all of your jokes land and you never say anything offensive. Always be the life of the party, but never take things too far. Be the type of person who everybody loves. Great tip Cleopatra. I don't know how I've never thought of that before.

MAKE HER WANT TO KNOW MORE

Never talking about your family, frequent trips to French Canada, and carrying around a mysterious second phone will help with this. But on top of that there should be one gigantic elephant in the room mystery that lingers over your entire relationship. Something that's going to keep her around no matter what. I'm obviously talking about loosely implying that you are sitting on a massive Bitcoin fortune.

Make occasional reference to your Bitcoin portfolio. Don't be over the top about it. Nobody wants to be around the guy who doesn't shut up about Bitcoin. But let her catch you scrolling multi-million dollar homes on your phone. Imply that you "take care" of your family. Save your friend's phone number as "Yacht Broker", set your phone face up on the table and have him call you while you're out on a date. Little things like that. Just enough that she would never dare to leave you because she couldn't live with herself if she found out afterwards you have a $5 billion net worth.

Ya know this whole list is obviously supposed to be a joke, but now I've talked myself into thinking this strategy would work. At least for a while. Of course it's going to blow up in your face eventually. But the 2 phones/drug dealer thing. The fake Bitcoin portfolio. That's enough to keep someone around for at least a little longer than they would have been otherwise. Somebody please try this and report back.