Tom Brady Has Entered Some Sort Of Sexy-Dad-Goofball Era, Posting Erotic Beach Montages Filled With Wet Water Play

Elyse Jankowski. Getty Images.

Hey Tom, what's this? I promised to stop trying to guess your next move, as you are truly a man of unpredictable mystery. But coming off the Netflix roast that saw your entire personal life laid bare for the ravens to pluck and plunder, you deliver an aquatic highlight package filled with tumbles and back shots. Shots of your back. That kind. And I find myself grinning and quietly mumbling, that son of a bitch… what is he up to? 

Look at the goddamn cover of that video. One MUST admit that the guy's body has never looked better. My guess is that he's finally able to change his workout to "get me jacked for the beach," which is probably a different regimen than "keep my bones connected when 300-lb linebackers drive my soul into the underworld." His traps, his biceps and tris, all the vanity muscles are popping in a new way. Right? We've all tracked the man's relatively unimpressive body through the years. But clearly, those days are over. 

Mark my words: this video is a bat signal for distressed G spots that need tap-tap-tapping. Tom is allegedly dating Irina Shayk, but I know what a close-up shot of back muscles means. Something tells me we're about to witness a second chapter of greatness, and I just hope that by the time Tom gets tired, he's single-handedly cured our declining population problems. After all, the world could use more Bradys.