Dear South Florida, I Know What I Must Do Now

Dear South Florida,

If you believe that someone who isn't playing in the game has any impact on the result, you truly are an airhead. With that being said, I take full responsibility for the outcome of the last two Stanley Cup games. I should have known better. In fact, I did know better; I just had to do my job, which I also didn't do too well, if I'm being honest.

The whole point of me going to the games was to do man-on-the-street interviews, but after watching my team get their teeth kicked in 8-1 and seeing half the arena leave by the end of the first period, I didn't have the strength to pull out a microphone and interview my people at the lowest point in their lives. For Game 5, I asked Big Cat if he thought I'd get better content being inside if they won or waiting outside the arena. He told me to go to the game, so I did, which was obviously a mistake.

As I said before, I don't believe in jinxes, but I do believe I'm the biggest fucking mush to ever walk the face of the Earth. How is it possible that every time I go to see the best team in hockey play, they lose every single time? Even when they're not playing in the arena and they're showing the game on the big screen at the watch party, they lose.

You know what they say: the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and I don't just have a problem, I am the problem. Unfortunately, my mush powers affect more than just the Florida Panthers; they affect all of my teams except the Miami Heat. For some reason, I'm actually that team's good luck charm. However, the Dolphins haven't won a playoff game since I was born. Technically, they won in 2000, but I wasn't old enough to speak, watch the game, or wipe my own ass, so I don't count it. You could also argue that I'm the reason why the Dolphins didn't win the AFC East for the first time since 2008 after I sent out this tweet during the Tennessee Titans game.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain, and as much as it pains me to say, I have become the villain. I know what I must do. I cannot step foot inside another South Florida sports game if I want this never-ending curse to come to an end.

So, to my brothers and sisters of South Florida, I will NOT be attending any South Florida sports games for at least a year. This isn't about me; it's about the teams we love and the success we crave. If staying away from the stadiums and arenas means our teams have a better shot at glory, then so be it. I'll be cheering from a distance, supporting in spirit, and hoping that my absence breaks the curse. Let's bring a championship home!