The Cubs Are So Bad That Sluggers (the World Class Sports Bar) Had To Bring Their Old Sign Out Of Retirement
Yesterday I said the Cubs suck and that still very much holds true. But to save this disaster is going to take the entire village and that starts with the Strauss boys at Sluggers bringing back the original sign.
They updated it in March and ever since the Cubs have been trash.
Do we suck because the sign changed? That's hard to say without any data so let's wait and see. This could be ground zero of a season-saving butterfly effect. I never saw the movie with Ashton Kucher but heard pretty good reviews. So maybe keep your eyes peeled for a full movie around here in short order.
Until then, I want to just repeat a couple things about how much the Cubs suck right now. It's not a stretch of bad baseball or uneven luck. It's a fundamentally gutless team that needs all the help they can get. If that means changing the sign and then rallying around the sign and then getting more loaded at Sluggers than normal, so be it. We have to start somewhere and God knows our front office won't do shit about it.
So let Sluggers lead the way. Fine by me. If Cubs' leadership had a fraction of their consistency and commitment to excellence then we wouldn't be in this shit hole in the 1st place.
Couple other things while we're here:
- I like going to Slugger's as my last stop before the game, and then my 2nd stop after. I like it as my last stop pregame because it's the best atmosphere to grab a shot. I like my pregame beers/food somewhere else, then a quick post up at Sluggers to get calibrated.
- If I can get in early, I'll make Sluggers my 1st stop but usually that's hard if you stay all 9 innings. In that case, I like a 30-45 minute beer garden - usually somewhere unremarkable - for a bucket of millers and maybe an ice water but probably won't touch it. Take a nice comfortable piss. Maybe get a big nacho. Maybe charge a phone. Definitely get organized with your friends - both the ones you're with and the ones you want to meet up with in Wrigleyville.
- Sluggers is Act 2 of the postgame. You can find a high top in the back bar by the small bathroom and then pick how much of the chaos you want individually. 2 guys can wander upstairs into the cages. Another guy can get lost on the dance floor. You have easy access for cigs in the beer garden. There's a lot of options and that's because you're quarterbacking a solid postgame experience. This part of the day is very open ended.
- Act 3 depends on your circumstances from here. Older/married guys like me are going to want to get food and maybe a left handed cigarette. Younger cocksmen are on the hunt. A group of pilgrims will take to Old Crow. Work friends should be ditched immediately at this point. Maybe you follow a bad bachelorette party to Smoke Daddy for the pulled pork. That's really a function of what you're after - nice thing is Wrigley has it within a one-block radius. Just know this should be the last stop on the tour at all times.
- Should you completely ignore this advice and make it to a 4th bar, always make it Stretch. People don't really talk about it enough but definitely one of the sluttier bars in this town. If you're into that. Michigan State alums are everywhere which is nice.
- Time to go home? Probably. Last big tip: get an Uber on Sheffield to drastically reduce the chances you get robbed by a fake driver on Clark
Anyways.
Let's swap out the manager next.