Researchers at Cal Berkeley Found Toxic Metals in ALL Name Brand Tampons, What Does That Mean for Men?

Dr. Earle Haas (male), invented the modern day tampon in 1931. So much has happened in the world since then. Hitler was just starting to hit his stride. We were still a full 50 years from the government inventing AIDS. But in all that time, the tampon has remained virtually unchanged. Don't believe me? Go ahead and pull a tampon out of any random woman on the street. It's going to look almost identical to what Dr. Earle Haas invented pre-World War II. 

On top of that, until the good people of Cal Berkley did like… yesterday… nobody had even bothered to study what in the hell these big tampon companies are putting in their product. 

Now I know what you're thinking… Classic women… Willing to stick anything under the sun up their pussies without knowing where the hell it's been. It can't be worse than a penis right? To be fair to women, that's actually pretty sound thinking. If a vagina can survive the raw penis of a 5th year senior at Ohio State who's contemplating dropping out to focus on his DJ career, then it should be able to handle a tiny little piece of cotton. Well turns out that's not the case. Correct me if I'm wrong, but a majority of the world's penises do not contain arsenic, mercury, and lead. On the other hand, from what the internet has led me to believe, arsenic, mercury, lead and a whole mess of other toxic metals can be found in literally every single tampon on earth.

Women across the world are now ditching their tampons in favor of menstrual cups, discs, saucers, funnels, boats, what have you. Bad time to be heavily invested in big tampon. Great time to be an upstart menstrual boat company. 

Jokes aside, this is scary stuff. The lack of research done on tampons over the years, despite the fact that nearly 50% of women have been using them on a consistent basis for decades, is alarming. It really makes you stop and think, "How does this affect men?"

Women are all up in arms about what these lead filled tampons are doing to their bodies, but I haven't seen a single person consider how men are affected. As far as I know, women put two things in their vaginas: tampons and penises. That's it. Less than 50% of women use tampons. But 100% of the penises tampon user let into their bodies belong to men. If my fiancée has a vagina full of toxic metal, I need to know what that means for me. Is my occasional inability to achieve erection after a long night of drinking actually my fiancée's fault for not properly researching the contents of her Tampax? Almost certainly. Do we need to start using condoms again? By having unprotected sex with a habitual tampon user, are we putting ourselves at risk for lead penis? Is that why my son is black? 

 

Doctors claim that despite these studies, tampons are still safe. That the levels of these metals are inconsequential to the user. That as long as you're not a disgusting trash human who leaves your tampon in for days at a time, then you probably have nothing to worry about. But that girl with the pink hair and big eyelashes in the viral TikTok seemed pretty upset. So I'm going to go ahead and assume that this is a huge fucking deal.

Until we see any further studies, stay safe out there men. The weekend is upon us. Before you get too deep into any conversation with a woman at the bar tonight, or before you've had too many drinks to care, make sure you ask what menstrual product she uses. If she's a tamponer, it might be best to steer elsewhere. Just to be safe.