Massachusetts is on the Verge of Overturning its 40-Year Ban on Happy Hours

Nicolas Micolani. Getty Images.

Pull up a chair, children. Set a spell. And listen up while Old Balls Thornton tells you a tale of back when I was about your age. 

Yep, hard as it may be to believe, this tired old bag o' bones was young once too. I grew up not far from where I'm talking to you from right now. In the once great state of Massachusetts. In the Before Times. The Long, Long Ago. I was born, raised, and reached legal drinking age on this proud land. 

And when I did, for a brief, glorious time, we had these things called Happy Hours. What were they? Why did we call them that? Well, let me tell ya, the answers should be obvious. Even with eyes as old as mine, it's as plain as the nose on your faces. Happy Hours were special, golden times during the week were establishments were legally allowed to serve you discounted alcoholic beverages. And, as you'd imagine, those were Hours where the folks could be Happy. 

I know it sounds strange to you young'uns. And you might think Old Balls is just spinning yarns again. But I swear it's true. They were real. Even right here in Commiechusetts. Happy Hours were real, and my friends and I would go to them. And like the name implies, be Happy.

That is, until some bad men came along and banned them. No lie. They outlawed Happiness. I just never thought I'd live to see the day the Hours would ever be brought back. And yet, miracle of miracles, it might be happening as we speak:

Source - Happy Hour is one step closer to making a comeback in Massachusetts.

On Thursday the Senate approved an amendment in a larger economic package to let bars offer discounts on alcoholic drinks before 10 p.m.

The amendment is part of a 2.8 billion dollar economic bill filed by Senator Julian Cyr, who represents the Cape and Islands.

“It’s been 40 years since the happy hour ban was put in place. Massachusetts was the first state in the nation to have a happy hour ban, and at the time, in 1984, it probably made some good sense, where the dangers of happy hour and especially drunken driving were rampant across the country,” Cyr told his colleagues, according to the State House News Service. “Yet Massachusetts is now the last state in the nation to have an absolute ban on happy hours.”

Now, I'm sure this sounds funny to you young people reading this in other states that allow this simple pleasure of life. I wouldn't blame you if you're sitting there thinking I'm acting the fool right now. But I'm telling you, if this bill passes, it will be a glorious day for Massholes. A dream coming true the likes of which we haven't experienced since the 2004 MLB postseason. Some bars in certain areas being able to generate revenue by offering customers a discount on drinks during slower times of the week may sound like a basic right. But around here it's like being released from indentured servitude. It's like finally being able to breath the fresh air of liberty. To at long last be equal to all our countrymen in the other 49 states. Endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights. That among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of half price New England IPAs on a Friday afternoon. 

By no means am I spiking the football on this until it's across the goal line, signed into law, and not overturned by some court challenge. But should the day come that this bill becomes law of the land and Happy Hours return, it'll be 

So do the right thing, officials. Any state that can produce 13 championships in 23 years ought to be allowed to celebrate the way every other state can.