Sumo Blog: Across The Pacific Ocean There are 400-Pound Men in Diapers Throwing Each Other Into Crowds of People
I've always loved sumo wrestling. Not loved to the point of ever once paying attention to what's actually going on in professional sumo. Or loved to the point of being able to tell you a single thing about the sport outside of what I've observed in 15 second clips online, and a handful of matches I saw on ESPN 2 as a child while staying home sick from school. But I love sumo in the sense of about one a year I'll remember that sumo wrestling exists, and will think to myself, "Hell yeah brother. Sumo rules."
So maybe that's not a true "love" for the art of sumo. But I love the idea of it. I love that sumo wrestling exists. I love knowing that somewhere across the Pacific Ocean there are 400-pound monsters in thong-diapers smashing their bellies together and heaving each other into poorly placed judges.
Funny how it's always the same judge. Poor guy.
I love how sumo wrestling is a sport that dates back to a time before Jesus was even a twinkle in God's eye. I love how the referee's are dressed as Samurai. I love how in Japan, people are much quicker to begrudge others for being overweight, but if you can get fat enough to the point of being a sumo wrestler (or a Buddha) then you'll be treated as a god
Now you might be thinking, "Sure, being a sumo wrestler has it's perks, but do they even get to fuck?"
Brother...
I would like to see sumo become more mainstream. Sumo deserves to be an Olympic sport. Especially considering the sports that are part of the Olympics nowadays. At the summer games in Paris this year, someone will be handed a real-life Olympic gold medal for break dancing. Someone else will be awarded a gold medal for climbing a fake rock wall. Not a real mountain, but one of those plastic rock walls you can pay $1 to climb at the county fair. They'll also be giving medals for skateboarding. I have nothing but respect for the sport of skateboarding. But skateboarding has only been a thing since the late 1900's. Sumo wrestling, as forementioned, has been around since before Jesus Christ. Sumo deserves a spot in the Olympics. Even if Japan wins all the medals. The least we can do is throw them a bone after the bombings. It's not like they were responsible for the camps. They probably didn't even know about them. They just picked the wrong side. I mean can you really blame them? You know how charism- ok never mind.
Olympic Sumo would inspire fat American's to make something of themselves. Imagine what an American sumo uprising would do for the fats of our country. Those of you sitting alone in your bed reading this mediocre blog. Polishing off your third Ben & Jerry's pint of the day while watching re-runs of Guy's Grocery Games. If all of the sudden sumo fever swept the nation, you would suddenly have the perfect body type to do something athletic for the first time in your life. Honestly, if any country should embrace sumo wresting it's America. Half of our country is already in sumo shape. We could be the best sumo wrestling nation in the world if we wanted to. It's just like soccer. Imagine in LeBron James grew up dedicating his life to sumo. There's not a person in the history of Japan who could hold his own against a 430-pound version of LeBron.
Sumo wrestling is a beautiful sport. It's a shame I won't think about it again for another 300 days or so.