Kim Kardashian, Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett: Aging Celebrities Are Obsessed With Penis-Based Facials

GraziaIndia - There is an intriguing new facial treatment taking the beauty world by storm and it's what celebrities are swearing by right now: Salmon Sperm Facial. It’s a unique skincare procedure that is a cult favourite among celebrities, and it’s going viral for all the right reasons. 

Kim Kardashian recently revealed on her latest episode of “The Kardashians,” that her latest secret to youthful, radiant skin is salmon sperm. She said, “I got a salmon sperm facial with salmon sperm injected into my face.” Yes, we know that it sounds a bit more unusual than the usual facials, but the results are pretty impressive and are getting huge attention. This treatment promises to give you that glass-skin look everyone is craving right now. 

Dave Portnoy once famously said, "Anybody at Barstool can be a star, except for Nate."

All they have to do is put in the work. So there comes a time in every Barstool employee's tenure where a decision has to be made. Do you want to put in the work? Do you want to take the time to find your own lane, come up with something creative, put original (or unoriginal) content out on the internet without fear of being judged, and build a personal brand from the ground up that one day might actually make the company money. And maybe.. if you're really good.. or really lucky.. or really fat... you could set yourself up with a job for life.

Or alternatively, you can find headlines on obscure websites that feature a popular (preferably hot) celebrities injecting semen into their faces and repurpose them into shitty blogs that will realistically make more money for the company than any video you're capable of producing. 

When it comes to rich aging female celebrities, there comes a time in their lives where their looks begin to fade and a decision must be made. They can decide to get copious amounts of plastic surgery and slowly transform into Ronald McDonald.

Frazer Harrison. Getty Images.

Or they can elect to go the safer, trendier route and dive into the world of weird penis-based skin treatments.

Kim Kardashian's latest method of injecting salmon sperm into her face (made popular by Jennifer Anniston) is only the most recent in a long line of celebrities who believe that dicks hold the key to flawless skin. My personal favorite example of this, which isn't discussed enough in my opinion, is when Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett started injecting the foreskins of South Korean babies into their aging faces. 

"Look, it's not like anybody else was going use the foreskins. Are we just going to let the pediatricians of South Korea throw the nutrient rich foreskins of their nation's newborns in the trash? That would be wasteful. Might as well sell them to an ultra-rich celebrity in the midst of an aging crisis who will put the remainder of that child's dick to good use." 

Beyond that, Chelsee Lewis (celebrity facialist), who has worked with stars such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney, claims that you should cut out the needles all together and apply a farm to table sperm mask post-sex. 

Newshub - "Sexual intercourse helps the stress hormone but also helps to balance the hormones and improve collagen production. But you can go one step further with a sperm mask. Yes, you heard right!" she wrote for the news outlet.

"Using your partner's sperm as a mask is full of a compound called spermine, which is an antioxidant which can help reduce wrinkles, smooth the skin, prevent acne or spots and give you overall healthy-looking skin."

There is zero scientific evidence to back up her theory. Real-life dermatologists wholeheartedly disagree. They contest that if anything the water in semen will leave your skin drier. Kinda feels like Chelsee Lewis is just out here firing from the hip. Either that or she's playing a pretty damn good prank on Gwyneth Paltrow. 

I suppose there must be something to it. It seems like once a year you'll see a story about a celebrity using something penis-related on their faces in a new creative way. Honestly, I kind of see the vision. Sperm is the source of life. Our lives began in our father's balls. If one little sperm can evolve into an full-grown human being, and a single load contains 100 million of them.. then there's gotta be something good in there right? At minimum, that's a concept you can sell to a 45-year old celebrity a decade past her prime who's desperate to maintain her youth. 

Can't wait to see what trends next. There's no limit to what celebrities will do to keep their skin from cracking. Imagine the things they've tried that they haven't shared with the public? Imagine what you could convince someone to rub on their face if it even promised them a 10% chance of reducing wrinkles. If you don't think there's a "celebrity facialist" in a basement searching for a way to make use of the chopped off testicles of neutered puppies you're kidding yourself.