Riverfront Hotspot For Philly Cheaters Swallows Second Car In Less Than Two Weeks

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Range Rovers are known for being among the royal family of off-road vehicles and you can expect to drop at least $100K+ on newer models with all the fixins. One bummer about royal families though; they're known for cheaters (obligatory "Never forget the time Prince Charles said he wishes he were a tampon to be closer to Camilla".). That being said, despite having zero proof and going off total speculation I have to definitively say cheating is the case in this situation, and if there's a tampon involved it's soaked to the max and a couple marriages are holding on by a fraying string. 

Neil sums it up perfectly, but perhaps I'm wrong about the cheating part. To double check let's look at some factoids from 6 ABC: 

It happened around 4:25 a.m. on Kelly Drive near the Strawberry Mansion Bridge in Fairmount Park.

Police say a couple was inside the vehicle at the time and that they were "making out" at the time of the accident.

All occupants were able to get out of the vehicle, officials said.

Police say no charges are pending.

4:25am was all I needed to see. That wasn't a happily married couple spicing things up. I love my kid's dad, really I do, but currently we don't have 1/100th of the passion that would lead us to drive out to a romantic spot on a whim for a sexy rendezvous with a view at that hour. It's wild if we have a spark big enough to ignite even a lackluster, incomplete handjob past 9pm these days. 4:25am in a discreet location is a type of horniness powered only by the nuclear motivation of risky, forbidden holes/poles. 

And who knew the Schuylkill River (Skoo-kull) was the perfect spot for that? This is the second time in less than two weeks some folks getting freaky got wetter than intended in that location. So, if you're in the Philly area and looking to finally make a move with your coworker or karate instructor, this is the place to destroy your vehicle/life. 

Shoutout to Crossing Broad for an excellent take on this that made me feel better about my financial situation if Pat and I ever do spice things up again:

Score one for the poors! A 2005 Toyota Camry would’ve never shifted into drive while you were having sex. You had to hold in that button on the side the shifter and use all your force just to drop it into reverse. Those circular PRNDLs in a Range Rover don’t stand a chance. All that money you spend on this car and there’s no anti-sex mechanism.

In closing, please enjoy this 'best of' Joey Greco/Cheaters montage and remember to park your cars parallell to the river before the action starts.