The Saddest NFL Stats Of Week 1 - Josh Jacobs's Hell, Cowardly Punt Of The Decade, The QB Whose Coach Thinks Is Worse Than Punting Every First Down, And More...

Welcome to an all new season of NFL Sad Stats. For those siccos who've been with me from the start - good to see you back for Season 3. For those who are new, this blog is a sort of therapy session allowing sad fans to lean into how absolutely dog shit their team is so they can laugh instead of cry. Except, they still cry. We cover stats on teams, players, coaches, whatever helps us ease the pain. 

I've put a lot of work in the offseason to make 2024 the best season of sad stats yet. Hopefully that rings true. I've procured a extensive storage of NFL data and now have literally every key piece of info you'll find on a game page going back to 1920. Every table. Every key stat. Even player/coach profiles that might one day become useful. Birthday, place of birth or death, even nicknames if they have them. All this data. Just sitting there on my computer. Ready to be queried for sadness sake. Let's have a year everyone. I'm fully committing to another 18 weeks.

Here are your sad stats for Week 1.

Sad Stat #1 - The football gods have made it clear that Josh Jacobs will never catch a receiving touchdown

The above graph is a bit outdated now as Josh has 1,468 career receiving yards

For whatever reason, the football gods will not have it. They will never let Josh Jacobs score a receiving touchdown unless it's on a holding penalty so that it can be stripped right out of his fingers as was covered in a sad stats blog last season. And word is out on this. The broadcast quickly mentioned Jacobs receiving end zone celibacy Friday night when it was revealed that Jordan Love was making it a personal goal to get him a receiving touchdown. 

We weren't the only ones listening… looks above to the skies… I don't think I'm being overly mythical in saying the football gods took out Jordan Love because they have an affinity for watching Josh Jacobs not score receiving touchdowns. Just a sad realization for Jacobs who put 110% in his five years with the Raiders. He finally got free and went to a team with a better than mediocre quarterback only to be left with Malik Willis for the near future. 

In five years with the Raiders, Jacobs had 197 regular season catches and another four in the playoffs. We all know how good he is both as a runner and receiver out of the backfield. So this all goes to show you the Raiders are the reason for him never scoring a receiving touchdown. I get what's going on here Josh. I got you. It's absolutely on them. Not you.

Last Sunday - Running back Alexander Mattison's literal first catch on the Raiders:

Sad Stat #2 - Saquon Barkley had three touchdowns once in 76 games with the Giants

Mitchell Leff. Getty Images.

If we did a power ranking for the saddest teams in the league there's no question who #1 would be…

The Carolina Panthers. But the Giants are definitely next. There were plenty other Barkley Giants/Eagles comps going around but sometimes the problem is the team and not a player who leaves for a new team. Unless it's Josh Jacobs. While Josh got out of prison only to be tricked into getting transferred to another one, Saquon felt the euphoria only experienced by fictional character Andy Dufresne. It's a shame it wasn't raining in Brazil because a touchdown celebration of him crouched down and bursting up staring at the skies with his hands spread wide would have been epic. 

Sad Stat #3 - The Carolina Panthers are one THREE for their last 41 in games their opponent scores 17 or more

I absolutely love to get sad stat tips but let's make sure we double check first. While no one in their right mind would doubt the Panthers went 1-40 in their last 41 games their opponent scored 17, I gave it a quick QA query and found they won in Week 14 and 16 in 2022 and Week 4 in 2020. The Chicago Bears are predictably next worst with just seven such wins. But they won this week so we don't need to harp on them yet. 

Let's pivot to Cleveland. Hello, old friend. 

Sad Stat #4 - The Cleveland Browns will continue their absurd lead in not starting 2-0

Bringing this back. The best part of making this graph after Week 2 last year were the sad Browns fans who's only sad retort was that the Browns weren't even a team for some of those years. I mean - they have a point. But when we're left making "oh yeah well we didn't even exist!" arguments you know you're down bad. 

It's crazy to think there's not one Gen Z out there that has experienced the feeling of starting the season 2-0. Bad teams can start 1-0, but it's that second win that solidifies fans' belief that it's going to be a good season. It's a great feeling to have. One that Browns fans hope to feel one day. Maybe your Panthers fan friend can tell you about it. 

OK, I can't talk about the Browns anymore right now. It's just too sad a situation. Let's give them a break. 

Sad Stat #5 - Baker Mayfield has more touchdown passes than Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes since joining the Buccaneers

One of the dumbest things football fans do (absolutely including myself) is write off a highly drafted quarterback after failing with a team for his rookie contract. It's like we completely forget that the best quarterbacks in a draft go to the shittiest possible teams and that maybe, just maybe, when you have 21 weak links the 22nd link can't make up for it. Just wildly stupid. I feel like Baker was making progress in Cleveland considering he brought them to the Playoffs, but dealt with an injury that made him look worse than he really is. He even managed to play well on his one night stand in LA (wait, am I even hyperbolizing with the one night thing???) while learning the playbook on the flight that probably landed during early warmups.

And look what's happening. Mayfield baked so Darnold could rise. I think we can all agree that the Jets and Panthers have been two of the three worst franchises in football since Sam Darnold was drafted (can't leave you out Giants fans). But on an team as middle of the road as they are mid-west, he came out firing for the Vikings by starting 12/12 in a beat down of the Giants - a team who's surprise attack consisted of dressing up as Montreal Canadien hockey players. Speaking of the Giants, I'd love to know how many jerseys they sold with these awful throwbacks. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say double digits but I'm just not sure. 

Sad Stat #6 - Literally the worst thing a coach has ever said about his quarterback isn't really that far off

OK I worked this all out and on paper if the Titans punted on first down every drive I think they still end up losing 6-0.

We can't count the field goal after the touchdown drive because we needed Velus Jones Jr (the anti Devin Hester) back there to kick the ball to the Titans to set up the field goal. And that chain reaction never happens if you don't score the drive before. Either way this is the most damning thing I think I've ever heard a coach say indirectly about his starting quarterback. We might need to get the popcorn ready for Titans games this year. 

Sad Stat #7 - You Never want to be close to setting the record for most combined field goal yards

OK I was pumped for this because I had Boswell on my fantasy team, but having a place kicker dominate in total yards kicked is understandably a bad sign. Jason Myers is the only kicker to ever kick for more total field goal yards (274) with the 2018 Jets that went 4-12. 

Sad Stat # 8 - Carson Wentz once threw for negative air yards in a first half

This was going to be a Lamar Jackson stat since he passed for an average of .8 yards in the first half of the Thursday Night opener but after running the numbers and seeing the very few who did it worse, it became very clear this should be about Carson. -2 total air yards thrown on 16 passes for an average of -.125 in Week 15, 2016 vs the Ravens. Just a reminder air yards is the stat about how far from the line of scrimmage the ball travels. Whether it's caught or not. Negative air yards is one of the better ways to tell a coach doesn't trust his quarterback. The only bigger sign is when the coach says: "If we punted on first and ten every time, we might have won the game".

Sad Stat #8 - The Raiders made the second most cowardly punt in at least the last two decades

Punting on 4th and 1 at your opposing team's 43-yard line down one score with less than eight minutes to go is about as spineless of an old football guy move as you can make. That's an immediate fire if I'm a GM. This type of lookup needs play-by-play data to query which only goes back to 1999 and the only instance I found of a more cowardly 4th and 1 punt down one score with less than eight minutes to go was the Browns in Week 7, 2012. Pat Shermer decided to "trust his defense" (definition: I think my offense is a rotten pile of moose droppings) at the Colt's 41-yard line down 13-17 with 6:38 left. 

This might shock you but the Browns would go on to lose the game. Just like the Raiders did in this one too. 

That's enough for Week 1. Feels good to be back! Honorable mention to the Panthers end of first half sad field goal to cut the deficit to 3-30. As a Bears fan, I realize I'm pretty lucky to avoid showing up so far after almost having the worst preseason excitement / Week 1 reality differential ever. But 1-0 is 1-0. Week 2 will be tough going Sunday Night vs the Texans but if the Bears manage to weasel their way into 2-0 we can officially start getting that feeling of butterflies in our stomachs as we salivate over the possibilities. We all know that feeling.

Well… except you, Cleveland. 

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