Vladimir Putin Has Lost The Locker Room, Is Reportedly "Dismayed" That His Sons Have Taken to Cosplaying Disney Characters

Daily Mail - Vladimir Putin's two sons 'annoy' their despot father and gymnast lover mother by 'pretending to be Disney characters' on the rare occasions they see them, investigation website claims

Vladimir Putin two young sons reportedly annoy him and their glamorous gymnast mother by pretending to be Disney characters, according to an investigative media outlet. 

The boys, Ivan Putin, nine, and Vladimir Putin (junior), five, live like royal princes in the dictator's palaces, according to independent investigative media outlet Dossier Centre.

But despite their despotic father's best efforts, even he cannot get them to succumb to anti-West propaganda, as they reportedly love Disney characters. 

Dossier Centre reported: 'His eldest son Ivan prefers Disney cartoons and, to the displeasure of his parents, plays pretending to be their characters.' 

The outlet added that as a result, Putin and their mother, former gymnast Alina Kabaeva, rarely see their children: 'They have to play mostly alone or with adults, who are constantly around Putin's sons. They only see their parents late at night.' 

As people say on the internet far too often, "Disney has an opportunity to do the funniest thing here." The script of their next hit Disney Prince movie has already been written for them. Two children are born out of wedlock to an evil ruler of a faraway land. While their dad is busy with his quest to conquer Eastern Eucadia, his kids live unhappy lives in a big lavish mansion where they're looked after by a staff of heartless servants, educated by overly strict private tutors, there's an evil old bitch mixed in there somewhere who smells like borscht and beats them with household items when they misbehave. The classic "Rich kids who want to live normal lives" type of Disney story.

Their evil ruler father, who they rarely see, wants them to grow up to be generals in his army, and one day help him conquer all of Eucadia. But his sons don't want to live that life. They want to be fabulous, and take art classes, and go to cosmetology school, and frolic through fields, and spread peace across the world. But their dad strictly forbids it.

Ok you see where I'm going with this… mix in a few talking animals, and an ending where the kids eventually escape to a magical faraway land where they live happily ever after. You've got yourself the perfect Disney movie catered to the Putin boys.

Putin's sons will naturally see this movie, because they fucking love Disney, and they'll be like, "Holy shit is this a movie about us? Do we not have to grow up to succeed our father and become the first co-Russian presidents/professional hockey players or whatever the hell our dad wants us to do with our lives? Is it ok to be fabulous?"

And then yeah… Putin sees the movie and gets pissed. Hopefully he doesn't get so mad that he drops a nuke on us.

Honestly, Putin brought this on himself. I don't know what he expected when he quite literally gave his two son's a life only a Disney Prince could actually have.

'The sons of Vladimir Putin and Alina Kabaeva - Ivan Putin and Vladimir Putin (junior) - are isolated in residences, travelling on yachts and business jets,' said the report.

'They are guarded by FSO [Federal Protective Service] officers, with nannies, governesses and professional trainers by their side around the clock. 

'The brothers have little contact with their peers and see little of their parents, but they appreciate the rare moments they manage to spend with their father.'

They do not attend schools and are taught in Putin's palaces like the royal children of the last Russian tsar.

Like princes 'the brothers have their own cars with drivers - the teachers and servants have separate cars'.

'At the disposal of the children in Valdai are two ponies, rabbits and a St. Bernard, who is looked after by two dog handlers from the FSO…..

'Among the toys is a large collection of Lego construction sets and an iPad - not only for games, but also for video calls. They have personal chefs who prepare separate meals for them.

'Like Vladimir Putin, his sons have their own mugs, and they drink only from them.

Well shit, Putin… who the hell did you think your children are going to relate to? The only people who live that way are Disney characters. Of course they're going to grow up idolizing them.

And to make matters worse for Putin, these kids were his first boys. After having three daughters, he finally had himself a couple sons. 

Putin was so happy that he shouted: 'Hurray! Finally a boy!'

But Putin got too busy doing Putin things to spend any time with them, and now instead of having a pair of bad ass hockey playing war hungry sons like he'd always dreamed of, he's got himself a couple of western media obsessed Disney lads.

Next we just need to have Kamala Harris open up the borders to these kids. Promise them internships at Disney at the expense of more deserving U.S. citizens. Let one of them be Aladdin. They already know how to ice skate, so we cast him in Disney On Ice.

Zuma. Shutterstock Images.

(imagine that was Putin's son)

And who's to say his other son can't be Jasmine? This is America after all. Next we introduce them to Kamala Harris' stepdaughter (the one who looks like Nick Turani) and they become best friends. 

Win McNamee. Getty Images.

Honestly, I have no clue where I'm going with this… I've lost the plot a bit here. But the idea of Putin losing his kids to Disney/liberal America is kind of funny. The man got too busy invading Ukraine and lost the locker room within his own home. Poor Putin. You hate to see things that don't matter at all happen to bad people.