Clinton Portis Accidentally Committed to Miami by Talking to a Stripper Who Was Giving Him a Lap Dance

College football recruiting used to be so awesome. I'm glad the players are getting their market value and all now, but it's taken the fun out of everything. Now it's just who can give a kid the biggest bag — which, again, is great and how capitalism should work — but don't we all kinda miss the days when programs had strippers planted to get a commitment mid-lap dance? That's what this sport is really about.

This story also makes it much harder to believe college football coaches have as tough of a job as they'd have you believe. Sure, they're still hitting the road recruiting all the time, but now most of the job is outsourced to the NIL collectives and they take care of the hard stuff. Coaches used to have to go to the local strip joints and grease the dancers to help on the trail when four- and five-stars came on their official visits.

Now the NCAA, pretending it still has any actual authority, slaps show-cause penalties on a coach for taking recruits' parents to a strip club. What happened to the game I love?

I just hope the entertainers at whatever establishment Clinton Portis visited were getting nice kickbacks from the Miami staff, because it seems like they were helping build one of the best rosters in college football history.